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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25611514">Triquetra</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Contrarian_hedgehog/pseuds/Contrarian_hedgehog'>Contrarian_hedgehog</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Enemies to Lovers, Episodes of PTSD, Explicit Sexual Content, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magic Bond, Polyamory, Post-Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Second War with Voldemort, Threesome - M/M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 07:47:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>38,646</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25611514</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Contrarian_hedgehog/pseuds/Contrarian_hedgehog</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In preparation for the upcoming war, Severus is persuaded by Dumbledore to bond his magic to that of Lupin and Black.</p><p>"A bond between two is strong, but a triad bond can help you reach depths of magic rarely explored before. More importantly, I knew that you and Sirius alone would not be able forgo the past and cooperate peacefully. A mediator would be necessary, someone to ease the process. Naturally, that person has to be Remus. The creation of a triad bond requires an ancient and powerful inclination, which will only be strengthened by the history of your acquaintance, by the way your faiths have intertwined with each other through the years, by the depth of emotion that has been shared between you three."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Remus Lupin/Severus Snape, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin/Severus Snape, Sirius Black/Severus Snape</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>191</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>490</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Disclaimer: I don't support JKR's transphobic views. I hope this magical world can live on beyond its creator.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Severus allowed Dumbledore's voice to wash over him, while his eyes roamed over the intricate objects lined on the desk before him, looking for safety in the familiar shapes. The spindly legs of a telescope were drawing bold shadows on the surface of the desk. The pensive curved softly next to it. In the air above, an extravagant quill branched in sharp angles. </p><p>“... and the bond will fortify your magical abilities. You are an excellent Occlument, but Voldemort will try unwaveringly to penetrate your defences. If he succeeds, we are lost.” Dumbledore’s speech was followed by an expectant pause. Severus shifted his gaze to the headmaster</p><p>“Certainly,” he said. “Adequate measures need to be taken. I fail to understand, however, why <em>them</em>? Did no one else volunteer for this pleasant task, or is it absolutely <em>essential</em> for the cause that I suffer the indignity of being bonded to these filthy-”</p><p>“Despite what you seem to think, this is not a game to me. This is war, and it requires strategic thinking, which we will not succeed at if we give free rein to our emotions.”</p><p>Severus pursed his lips painfully, aware that testing Dumbledore’s patience any further would be unreasonable just now. The old man leaned his elbows on the desk, hands pressed together at the tips of his fingers. </p><p>“Sirius’ public status as a death eater remains unshakable. Under these circumstances, he won’t be able to use his significant talents and magical power-” Severus snorted, but Dumbledore continued steadily, pretending not to have noticed, “-to assist the work of the Order. We can use this to our advantage. What better back up can there be for you than someone who is already bound by circumstance to a safe location at all times?”</p><p>Not expecting an answer, Dumbledore stood up from behind his desk and walked to the window where the vast grounds of Hogwarts exposed themselves stark pink in between the shadows of twilight. Severus suspected that this move, perhaps done unconsciously, served to hide the headmaster’s face and whatever expression lay there.</p><p>“Only recently did it occur to me, that there is yet a better option. A bond between two is strong, but a triad bond can help you reach depths of magic rarely explored before. Even more importantly, I knew that you and Sirius alone would not be able to forgo the past and cooperate peacefully. A mediator would be necessary, someone to ease the process. Naturally, that person has to be Remus. The creation of a triad bond requires an ancient and powerful inclination, which will only be strengthened by the history of your acquaintance, by the way your faiths have intertwined with each other through the years, by the depth of emotion, that has been shared between you three.”</p><p>Severus remained silent for a while, trying to maintain his composure. He could not allow the headmaster to see how much this idea affected him.</p><p>“What would be required for the ritual?”</p><p>After another lengthy pause, Dumbledore finally turned to face Severus. “I have given Sirius and Remus my copy of<em> Theory of Occultic Bonds. </em>You can read through the chapters on three-way binding once you get to Grimmauld Place.” </p><p>“I see you’ve already shared your plan with them. What did they have to say about it?”</p><p>Dumbledore looked lost in thought as he replied. “They agreed and that’s all that matters.”</p><p>“And you think I will agree to this as well.”</p><p>“What have you to lose from it?”</p><p>Severus couldn’t bring himself to respond. He looked down at his hands. They stood out waxy and still against the dark wood of the desk, like a mannequin’s.</p><p>***</p><p>Sirius poured himself a drink of Ogden’s Old Firewhiskey from a dusty bottle he had found in the old hag’s closet. He sniffed the liquid suspiciously and took a small sip. Twirling the tumbler in his hand, Sirius inspected the ground floor living room of 12 Grimmauld Place. The state of disrepair in which the house had fallen after the death of his parents clashed disturbingly with the sense of lavish excess that the decor tried to impose. The ebony furniture set was covered in ugly patches where the polish had chipped with age. The velvet cushions spread over the sofa and the armchairs were perforated by doxies and moths. One of the windows was open and the curtains, once rich and luxurious, now billowed tattered and dirty like rags in the humid summer wind. </p><p>Sirius’ eyes fell on Remus, who was sitting on the sofa beneath the open window with his nose buried in the book Dumbledore had left them. In the dim light, Remus’ features looked delicate and studious and Sirius smiled despite himself as the sight vividly reminded him of the bookish boy this man had once been. The nostalgic moment faded quickly, and Sirius downed the remainder of the drink. He refilled the glass and dropped on the sofa beside Remus.</p><p>“You might want to read this.” Remus passed the book to him, his finger marking a specific passage on the page. “The side effects are interesting, to say the least.”</p><p>After skimming through the passage Sirius returned the book to Remus. “How are we meant to do this? We can’t spend even five minutes in the same room without getting at each other’s throats. He gets off on being disparaging, the great git.” </p><p>Remus threw a sharp sideways glance at him. “You aren’t any kinder to him than he is to you.”</p><p>“Can you honestly blame me? He hasn’t changed one bit since Hogwarts. He walks around with that obnoxious air of superiority, like he’s so much better than us just because that ugly mark allows him to cosy up to Voldemort.”</p><p>“I wish he didn’t feel the need to antagonise you as much,” conceded Remus. “He still thinks of you as the arrogant troublemaker you were in Hogwarts.”</p><p>“Thanks. Glad to hear you thought so highly of me.”</p><p>“You know what I mean,” Remus said impatiently. “You and James were always looking for a reason to fight him, and that’s the only side of you that Severus saw while we were in school.”</p><p>Indignation rose in Sirius at the unjust comment. “And how was he better, seeing as his life’s aspiration was to join Voldemort and the likes of Rosier and Mulciber?” </p><p>“Severus isn’t the same person he was 20 years ago, just like you aren’t the same person you were back then. The sooner both of you come to realize that, the sooner you can get over this silly rivalry and start working together to win this war.”</p><p>Sirius wanted to keep arguing but recognized the cause was lost. He took another sip of his drink instead, then stretched out his legs towards Remus and placed his cold feet in the comfort of his partner's lap. Remus patted his shin in reconciliation and returned to reading the book.</p><p>***</p><p>Severus was walking briskly into the night towards the house on 12 Grimmauld Place. The fresh rainwater on the road gleamed with the reflection of the street lights. He quickened his step and flicked his wand to cast a sound-dampening charm, conscious of the squelching sounds his boots made against the pavement. Apparating directly in front of the house would have been more practical, but a walk through London provided him with the time to sort through his thoughts.</p><p>As soon as Severus had agreed to return to the Dark Lord’s side at Dumbledore’s command, he had known that his mental defences would be tested ceaselessly, and in all likelihood - eventually broken. He would be killed and probably tortured beforehand as an example of what happens to those who betray the Dark Lord.  </p><p>Death didn’t scare Severus. His life meant very little to anyone, least of all to himself. From the moment of Lily’s death, he had known there would be no happiness for him. Lily Evans had been the only person to ever see beyond his scrawny and creepy exterior. With her death, whatever little joie de vivre he had possessed in the first place had died too. The only goal of his existence now was to protect what was left of her, her heritage. Lily’s son meant everything, sullied though he was by the trademark Potter arrogance and big-headedness. </p><p>Death didn’t scare Severus, but the thought of allowing the boy to die left him breathless with terror. He had unknowingly caused the demise of a woman that had been kind and loving and beautiful. He would be repaying for this act of evil until the end of his days, and now it was clear that his life wasn’t the ultimate penance. Severus would have to give away his dignity and share a part of himself with<em> them </em>of all people, or the war might be lost and all his efforts to protect Lily’s son would be in vain. </p><p>Severus reached for the doorknob, his feet cautious over the step. As he walked through the hallway and hovered at the entrance of the living room, he found the two men sitting on the sofa in comfortable silence. Black was lying down with his head tipped back against one of the armrests and staring at the ceiling. He was holding a drink, a spirit by the looks of it. Black’s legs stretched to the other end of the sofa, where they were neatly laid on Lupin’s lap. Lupin was keeping busy with his face buried in a thick tome. Due to the odd angle at which the sofa was turned in regards to the door, neither of them seemed to notice that there was now a third person in the room. Severus felt an overwhelming awareness of the situation he was walking into. More than ever before he was tempted to turn away and flee, leaving everything behind; to hell with everyone. Within that split second of doubt, Lupin lifted his gaze to him and gave him a small smile.</p><p>“Come in, Severus.” </p><p>Severus regarded Lupin’s amiable face with resentment. The cordiality with which the man treated Severus was as insufferable as Black’s arrogance. He acted like there had never been animosity between them, as though he had not watched impassively while his friends had tormented Severus for their amusement. These misguided attempts at pleasantness were the product of guilt or pity, or maybe both. At least Black had the balls to hate him openly.</p><p>At Lupin’s words of greeting Black’s head snapped with a lash-like movement towards the door. His eyes narrowed and his grip on the glass tightened, but he kept his position on the sofa. Naturally, Severus gave in to the urge to tantalize the man. </p><p>“Dear, dear. How imprudent of me to interrupt your domestic bliss. Perhaps I should leave and let you two play house to your hearts’ content.” </p><p>Lupin moved a soft strand of hair from his face with one hand and squeezed Black’s foot with the other in a gesture of warning, which was left unheeded.</p><p>“By all means leave, Snape, we are not particularly keen on your company. I’m not exactly desperate to bond my magic to a greasy git like you, so you can fuck off and shove that sarcastic attitude right up your-”</p><p>“Sirius, please!” Lupin interrupted him crossly. “The task Dumbledore has given us is bigger than all three of us and definitely bigger than some childhood spats.” </p><p>Severus raised an eyebrow. “Childhood spats? Is that what you call your dear <em>friend’s </em>abusive behaviour? Does it help you sleep better at night?”</p><p>“Oh, please,” Black snorted. “Don’t play the victim Snape<em>, </em>it does not become you. As far as I remember you always gave as good as you got. You never missed a chance to shoot a spell at our backs, and if you could have gotten away with it you would have done worse.”</p><p>Lupin sighed. “This isn’t going to be easy, but since you have come here, I can only assume you agreed to the bond. And if we are doing this, then we must try to cooperate. In fact, I suspect that at least a small part of the reason Dumbledore chose the three of us for this task was to strengthen the sense of unity in the Order, which the two of you have done your best to erode since the return of Voldemort. If you aren’t willing to be at least a little patient with each other, the next years of our lives are going to be hell.”</p><p>Black covered his face with his free hand and his voice came out muffled from underneath it. “The next years of our lives are going to be hell regardless.”</p><p>Lupin’s thumb, which was still hooked around Black’s foot, made a gentle rubbing movement up and down the arched sole. A caress of consolation. Severus stared at the intimate motion for a few seconds, then averted his eyes. His eagerness to aim a barbed comment at the weakness displayed by Black melted away to be replaced by resignation. </p><p>“Let’s get this over with. Lupin, is that the book on bond theory?” </p><p>“Indeed. Here you go.” Lupin picked up the book from his lap and Severus moved towards the sofa to take it. Black had lifted his hand from his eyes and was watching Severus speculatively.</p><p>Severus took a seat on the armchair that was furthest away from the sofa. He perused the chapter on triad bonds while Lupin and Black sat in silence, likely lost in their own thoughts. The book included the standard inclinations for bonding, as well as some runes that had to be drawn in a ritual circle. A few sentences in the section on side effects caught his attention. </p><p>
  <em> During the first moon cycle after the creation of the bond, the bonded feel a calling to be in each other’s proximity. Prolonged distance between the participants has been observed to lead to painful muscular spasms, headache, fever and in extreme cases - death. These effects tend to wear off gradually as the moon cycle progresses.  </em>
</p><p>Severus lifted his head from the book and noticed belatedly that Black had deserted his position on the sofa and was now pacing around the room, the glass still clutched in one hand. </p><p>“I imagine I’m expected to stay in this house with the two of you, rather than allow Gryffindor's golden boys to endure a month of discomfort,” Severus said more to himself than to Lupin and Black.</p><p>Black stopped his pacing abruptly and barked out a short laugh. “Why am I not surprised that you would rather writhe in pain than spend a month in the same house as Remus and me? What exactly you have to be so proud and snobbish about remains a mystery.” </p><p>Severus bared his teeth at that. “No amount of pain can be greater than the one caused by being in your company, you mongrel.”</p><p>With his free hand, Black made a lightning-fast move for his wand and pointed it square at Severus’ face. Lupin rose to his feet, gripped Black’s raised arm and lowered it firmly. He looked into Black’s eyes imploringly, then turned to face Severus.</p><p>“We have prepared the guest bedroom on the third floor for you. You won’t have to spend much time with us I expect. Of course, you can also leave if you think this is too much for you.” Lupin’s face was impassive, his hand still gripping Black’s wrist. </p><p>Severus bit the inside of his cheek and stared at the floor. </p><p>“Have you prepared everything for the ritual?” he directed his question to Black. He couldn’t stand looking at Lupin’s placid face. </p><p>“Upstairs,” Black replied in a flat voice. He took the lead with Lupin close behind. Severus watched them walk away together for a few seconds, then followed at a distance. They stopped in front of a door that was hidden at the bottom of a long dark corridor on the second floor. Inside it was apparent this room had once been used as a study. It was small and cold, and all the furniture had been pushed to the side leaving an empty space in the middle. A pale blue circle of light shone on the wooden floor with an equilateral triangle drawn inside it. A simple combination of runes was drawn on each point of the triangle. </p><p>“Do you know what you have to do?” Lupin asked softly.</p><p>Severus nodded and took his positions on one of the vertices of the triangle. They pointed their wands towards the centre of the circle and murmured the incantations from the book. Soft light shot from their wands and melded into a sphere in the middle. The sphere grew larger and larger until it surrounded all three of them.</p><p>“I, Remus Lupin, willingly bind my magic to these two men. From now on we are one.” Lupin’s voice was hoarse as usual, but each word came out careful and clear. A thread of light shot from his wand and snaked itself around them in a triquetra. Black pursed his lips for a moment, then cleared his throat and spoke.</p><p>“I, Sirius Black, willingly bind my magic to these two men. From now on we are one.” Another thread of light came out and traced over the lines of the first. </p><p>Severus knew that his moment had come and wasn’t ready for it. He closed his eyes and then opened them to find Lupin and Black staring at him. Lupin smiled sympathetically when their eyes met. Severus didn’t need the pity. He wouldn’t show any more weakness than he already had. </p><p>“I, Severus Snape, willingly bind my magic to these two men. From now on we are one.” A final thread of light shone from his wand, retracing the first two. A shudder ran through his body. His skin tingled. Exhaustion loomed over him, and his skull felt too tight for his brain.</p><p>When the sphere of light faded, Lupin turned to Severus abruptly. “We should rest now. This ritual requires a lot of energy and you may be summoned by Voldemort at any time. It will not do to have you unstable around him.” </p><p>Severus nodded and left the room. He felt them following in his footsteps. As he made a turn on the third floor towards the guest room, he saw Lupin and Black walking together into another room. Black caught his eyes and scowled before entering the room behind Lupin and closing the door.  </p><p>Once inside the bedroom, the Severus took his clothes off and sat on the bed, head dropping to his hands. He could feel a strange buzz at the depths of his mind. Severus shuddered to think about how this sensation would evolve in the upcoming months. There was nothing to be done now. He had made his choice. With this final thought, Severus lied down on the bed and upon closing his mind he fell asleep immediately. </p><p>***</p><p>Remus put on his checkered pyjama bottoms and sat on the bed. “Come on, we should get some sleep. Sirius?”</p><p>Sirius was perched on the large window sill, his foot tapping a frantic rhythm. He turned his gaze away from the dimly lit street outside to face Remus. “I can feel you.”</p><p>Remus didn’t particularly like the look of deranged awe in his eyes. “You… what? Padfoot, are you unwell?”</p><p>“Just concentrate for a second, ok? There’s a stream of consciousness in my head, which does not belong to me. I’m pretty sure it’s yours. It’s got to be an effect of the bond, I can tell you’re agitated.”</p><p>“You shouldn’t need a magical bond to know that,” Remus muttered under his breath and huddled under the blankets. He closed his eyes and examined the contents of his mind. “Yes!” he exclaimed then paused. “I see what you mean.” There was an unidentifiable shadow in the background of his thoughts. Like a whisper in a room full of chatter - difficult to discern, but there nonetheless. In that gentle whisper, he recognized Sirius. Upon further examination of this new phenomenon, Remus thought he could detect confusion and anxiety, but also a sense of wonder. He searched for another voice. “I don’t think I can feel Severus though.”</p><p>“Maybe he’s gone to sleep already,” Sirius replied dismissively. “The bond is still strengthening, I can sense it. This feeling… I think it will only intensify in the next few days. Snape will be lurking in our brains from now on,” he added grimly. “Did you know about this aspect of the bond? It wasn’t in the book, I would have remembered that.”</p><p>Remus sighed heavily. “No, I didn’t know. Maybe it only affects the two of us? Dumbledore mentioned that the history of the participants can influence the bond. And if Severus can feel it too, then I guess we will have to learn to deal with it,” he said resolutely. </p><p>“How are you so calm about this? How can you be so accepting of the thought of being magically <em>and </em>mentally bound to Snape? Imagine feeling him judging you at all times.” Sirius’ voice was getting heated, the words spilling out of his mouth urgently. “Fine, maybe I deserve his sneering, but what about you? You treat him with way more kindness and respect than he has earned, and he still cannot find it in himself to be even halfway decent to you!” </p><p>Sensing a potential argument storming in, Remus opened his eyes and propped himself up on one elbow. “I never said you deserve his remarks, Sirius. There is a lot of bitter history between us three and none of us is blameless. I’m tired of saying the same thing over and over, but we need to put the past behind us. Maybe the bond will allow us to empathise with each other and learn to get along.” Remus rubbed his face feeling the fatigue of the day seep in. “Come to bed, please.”</p><p>“You don’t need the bond for this, you can empathise with a rock,” Sirius grumbled, but got up from the window sill nonetheless and made his way to the bed. </p><p>“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”</p><p>Sirius shook his head vehemently. “I’m just frustrated with the situation, that’s all. I’ve always known you are the better man.” A reminiscent smile curled his mouth. “The conscience of the marauders, as James used to say.”</p><p>Remus snorted. “Might as well not have been there for all the good it ever did.”</p><p>“You stopped us plenty of times. Snape’s underwear would have seen a lot more daylight if it wasn’t for you, that’s for sure.” Sirius snuggled up close to Remus under the blankets only to get elbowed in the ribs. </p><p>“Oi!”</p><p>“That’s the least you deserve,” Remus said and extinguished the lights. “Good night, Padfoot.”</p><p>“Night, Moony.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This work was inspired by the absolutely gorgeous fanfic "A spirit of brotherhood" by Torch. You can find it here: http://www.strangeplaces.net/torch/brotherhood.html</p><p>This is my very first fanfiction ever and I have no idea what I'm doing. I tried using alternating POV, which turned out more difficult than I imagined. I'm open to feedback and criticism, especially when it comes to the language - english is my second language, and I was occasionally worried about getting stale. The story is practically finished now at about 45 000 words, but I plan to post on weekly bases more or less. Hope you enjoy it!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Severus woke up early in the morning to an odd sensation coiling in his gut; arousal. He regularly woke up hard and took care of business as a matter of habit. It wasn’t a particularly indulgent activity for him, but rather a necessary routine to help keep his mind clear. However, this morning the physical arousal was laced with lust and desire as well, which Severus had not experienced in years. Given his well-known ties to the dark arts along with less than appealing looks, he had long given up on the idea of attracting a suitable partner or even pursuing someone purely for carnal pleasures. Sex was a commodity afforded to others.</p><p>Severus took a moment to examine the source of the feeling in his mind. With a sharp inhale of breath, he came to a disturbing realization. The arousal was not his own. It was foreign, an external input of information, like the voice of a foe bending the will of his body through the fog of the Imperius curse. Now that his senses had sharpened after waking, he could also discern a familiar buzzing in his ears. Tense with dread, he cast the counter enchantment for the Mufliato spell. The buzzing stopped, only to be replaced by the distant sound of creaking springs. Lupin and Black were fucking. Severus sprung out of bed and got dressed rapidly. </p><p>As soon as he found himself outside the premises of the headquarters, he apparated to his parents’ house on Spinner’s end. The place had been deserted for years now and it bore clear signs of it. The paint on the walls was peeling in large strips. Expansive cobwebs stretched between the walls where fat spiders had built whole empires, undisturbed by human hands. The carpets were covered in a layer of dust that gave off a distinct smell of abandonment.</p><p>Severus lied down on the grimy sofa in the living room and allowed himself to relax. He couldn’t hear the obscene creak of springs anymore, but the strange sense of arousal and lust still felt thick in the back of his mind, and he couldn’t shut it off. He would have to owl Dumbledore tomorrow and let him know of this effect of the bond. Of course, there was the distinct possibility that the headmaster knew already.</p><p>Severus ground his teeth painfully at the thought. His hands shaking with frustration, he took out a vial of dreamless sleep draught he kept in the inner pocket of his cloak and drank it. A minute later he was asleep, his neck bent at an awkward angle on the armrest of the sofa.</p><p>***</p><p>“Where the hell has he been all day?” Sirius was scrupulously peeling the ragged skin underneath his fingernails. “He should have notified us if he was summoned by Voldemort.”</p><p>Remus glanced at the garish golden clock adorning one of the walls of the kitchen. The arms indicated quarter past eleven. “Maybe he didn’t have time. Do you think we’d know if he was in trouble?”</p><p>Sirius shrugged. “I don’t know. I still can’t sense anything from his side of the bond, although my head feels heavy and my body aches, almost as if I’m catching a cold.” He stretched his shoulders back wearily. “I think it’s a side effect from the separation. Or maybe that’s just what being bonded to Snape feels like - a deep bodily discomfort.”</p><p>“You’re feeling it too, then? I thought it was just in my head.” Remus got up and tapped the teapot with his wand to heat it up. “Cup of tea?”</p><p>“No, thanks.”</p><p>“Dumbledore might know where he is, should we ask him?” Remus poured the steaming tea into a mug and settled the pot back on the table. He threw an exasperated look at Sirius. “Stop picking at yourself, will you?”</p><p>Sirius’ hands dropped to his lap. “Contacting Dumbledore now might endanger the mission he's on this week. Look, as much as I hate to admit it, Snape knows what he’s doing. I’m more worried about this bond thing. What if he is delayed for too long? We have no idea how the transformation will affect us, nor how the distance might affect the wolf at the fool moon.”</p><p>Remus took a small sip from his mug and met Sirius’s concerned gaze steadily. “I guess we will have to wait and see.”</p><p>***</p><p>Severus opened his eyes to complete darkness. The street lights outside the narrow windows were off, indicating that time had gone past midnight. He lifted his head and hissed from the stiffness in his neck. Perhaps this sleeping draught batch was nearing its expiration date because it was stronger than what he was used to. Between proving himself to the Dark Lord and meeting up with the Order, he hadn’t had the time or need to use a sleeping potion in a while. This prolonged rest was warranted, and it wouldn’t have been possible if his thoughts had been occupied by… by…</p><p>Severus shook his head and got up. The foreign presence was still in his mind, although it was less defined now and he was pleased to find himself capable of closing his mind to it with ease. He moved to the kitchen, where he had stored a few muggle cans of beef stew for late, desperate nights like this one. With a distracted flick of the wand, Severus summoned a spoon and ate on his feet, straight from the can. The stew was slimy and cold, but Severus was barely aware of it. He made a mental note of the soreness in his limbs and the throbbing ache in his head. The bond was pulling him, but that didn’t matter. Through the years Severus had steeled his mind to resist various forms of external control, be it the Dark Lord’s invasive Legilimency attacks, or Dumbledore’s calm appeals to Severus’ better nature.</p><p>When he finished his dinner, Severus returned to the living room and cast a cleaning charm on the sofa. Severus lied down again, and as he closed his eyes a memory floated up to the surface of his consciousness.</p><p>
  <em>On a stiff winter night in his final year in Hogwarts, Severus was sneaking up to Slughorn’s storage cupboard to steal illicit potion ingredients. He noticed movement in an alcove down the corridor and cast a disillusionment charm on himself before stepping backwards to hide behind the corner.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“We have to tell Prongs at least. He’ll kill us when he finds out we’ve been hiding this from him!”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“He won’t find out.” With a tinge of horror, Severus recognized the voices of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I am sick of sneaking around. James will understand even if no one else does.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I know,” Lupin said. “I just need time to come to terms with it myself. Can’t you hold on a bit longer?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Severus was desperate to know their secret, thinking he could use it as leverage later on, or spread it to avenge whatever prank the tossers planned for him next. He peaked carefully from behind the corner to see Lupin pinned against the wall by Black, who gently tucked a stray strand of hair behind Lupin’s ear. Even in the darkness, Severus could see an uncharacteristic softness on Black's face. He looked at Lupin like he was something beautiful and worthy of love. Lupin, the same beast that had growled at Severus in the Shrieking Shack, prepared to prance at him and tear him to pieces with great ugly claws and teeth. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Severus felt nausea building up at the pit of his stomach. He backed away and retraced his steps to the Slytherin common room, his pace quickening to a sprint in the final stretch. Once he found himself inside the safety of his bed, vivid images flooded his head: Lupin and Black pressed against each other, exchanging heated kisses and caresses. Two of the golden Gryffindor boys were poofters and buggering each other. Severus held their secret in his hands, but he would never tell anyone or even think about it again. He slowed his breathing, closed his mind and drifted away in uneasy sleep, leaving his hard on unattended.</em>
</p><p>Severus groaned in frustration and swatted the memory away. Once more, he willed his mind to close to unwanted thoughts and to the dull ache in his muscles. He summoned a book from his father's collection of action-adventure literature and focused his attention on it.</p><p>***</p><p>Sirius was obsessively re-reading the chapters on triads in <em>Theory of Occultic Bonds</em> when he heard а noise come from the entryway. He rushed towards the noise and saw the tail end of Snape’s cloak gliding up the stairs.</p><p>“Where have you been?”</p><p>Snape ignored him and Sirius ran up the stairs after him. Upon catching up, Sirius grasped the other man by the wrist and pulled.</p><p>“What do you want?” Snape growled and tried to free his arm, but Sirius did not let go. He scanned the potion master carefully. Snape’s face was smooth and pale, unmarked by bruises or scratches. His robes looked tidy and neat. Upon noticing the man carried no indications of a struggle, Sirius heaved a sigh of relief.</p><p>“Did Voldemort summon you? You didn’t leave a note. We were worried your position had been compromised and you’d had to flee.” </p><p>“How sweet of you to care.” Snape’s silky voice carried an unmistakable note of mockery. He looked disdainfully down at where their arms were joint and Sirius hastily dropped the other man’s wrist. “I was not summoned by the Dark Lord,” Snape added coldly and turned away from Sirius to continue up the stairs.</p><p>“Where the hell were you then? In case you’ve forgotten, the full moon is tonight.” </p><p>“And why should I explain myself to you?” Snape made a sudden threatening step back down the staircase towards Sirius.</p><p>“Because...” Sirius felt an instinctual urge to reach for his wand, but thoughts of Remus made him keep his temper under control, “this bond affects all of us.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, right beneath his brow, where until recently a throbbing ache had pierced him. “Remus is weak on the day of the full moon at the best of times, and the distance took its toll on him. He fell ill overnight.”</p><p>Snape looked taken aback for a moment. After a beat of silence, he regained his composure and went on the offence. “Had I known that being bonded to the two of you would expose me to your distasteful sex life, I certainly wouldn’t have agreed to it.”</p><p>“And why, pray do tell, is our sex life so distasteful to you?” Sirius squared his shoulders and lifted his chin. “We cast a sound dampening charm anyway. You shouldn't have been able to hear anything unless you took it down, in which case that's your problem, not ours.”</p><p>The lines next to Snape’s mouth deepened. “I am not referring to the noise.”</p><p>Sirius stared at him blankly for a few seconds until the implication of the potion master's words clicked sickeningly into place.</p><p>“Don't tell me you… surely not when…” he stumbled on the words horrified, unsure what exactly he wanted to say. “But we haven’t been able to feel anything from your end of the bond.”</p><p>“I have been keeping my mind closed,” Snape said tersely and brushed a piece of lint from his chest.</p><p>Sirius scrutinized Snape again and noticed an uncharacteristic hunch in his normally graceful posture. “You’ve been feeling the pull of the bond too. Occlumency couldn’t protect you from that.”</p><p>“You always had a knack for stating the obvious,” Snape drawled evenly and held Sirius’ gaze with his impenetrable black eyes. “I left the Wolfsbane in the kitchen. Now, if you’ll be kind enough to liberate me from your company, I have other matters to attend to.”</p><p>With some effort, Sirius looked away from the retreating man and went to collect Remus’ potion. He found it in a mug on the kitchen table, with a small piece of parchment lying next to it, which simply said “Wolfsbane potion” in neat cursive. Sirius crumpled the parchment and threw it forcefully into the bin, before bringing the mug to Remus, taking small and measured steps on the way in order not to spill the potion. When he walked into the bedroom, he found Remus huddled in a ball under the blankets and sleeping deeply. He placed the mug carefully on the nightstand and left the room on tiptoes.</p><p>***</p><p>Remus was wolfing down a sizable portion of Wellington beef, which Molly, being thoughtful as ever, had brought this morning to ease his full moon hunger. Sirius was frowning at his plate and absentmindedly stabbing at a piece of meat.</p><p>Remus covered his mouth apologetically as he spoke through a bite of beef. “You should have something to eat if you’re planning to stay up with me all night.” </p><p>“I’m not hungry.” Sirius took hold of his paper napkin and started tearing it into thin ribbons. “I can't believe Snape could feel us having sex.”</p><p>“That’s probably the most action Severus has gotten in years,” Remus said.</p><p>“That's beside the point.” A breeze slithered through the open window and blew the napkin ribbons across the table. Sirius slapped his hands on top of them, crumpling the ones he managed to reach, but a few slipped away and flew past the edge of the table. He watched them scatter on the floor with an apprehensive expression. "It’s bad enough having him look down his nose at us for the next month, but this… we’ve lost all semblance of privacy. I just want to crawl out of my skin and hide somewhere safe from his prying mind.”</p><p>Remus paused his attack of the food to give Sirius his full attention. “I’m sorry. You’re right. We should talk to him tonight. The three of us need to come up with some plan of action about this,” he waved his hand vaguely in the air between them, “dynamics we’ve got going on.”</p><p>Sirius groaned. “That’s bound to go well.”</p><p>“It has to, we need to make this work. We’ve haven’t even started practising sharing each other’s magic. Time will be a very precious resource in this war and we’re running out of it.” He got up abruptly and flicked his wand to clear the littering pieces of paper. “I will go get him now. Meet us in the living room.”</p><p>Sirius nodded unhappily.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I've been editing and reediting this fic again and again, but it would be nice to have another pair of eyes look at it before it's published. Would anyone be willing to beta it?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Many thanks to AtheistGoat for betaing the work!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dried flabbergasted leeches, beetle eyes, pomegranate juice... Severus searched his memory for a few moments and added aconite to the list. If he was forced to spend the summer in the Order headquarters, he might as well stock up on potion ingredients. He was running out of sleeping draught, and an extra reserve of healing salve would also come in handy. The Dark Lord didn’t need a reason to torture his death eaters, nor to make them torture each other. Acts of cruelty were commonplace and kept everyone on their toes, eager to provide their best in service for their master.</p><p>Severus was pulled away from his thoughts by quiet knocking. He got up and opened the door to find Lupin standing outside, looking especially frail in a baggy worn-out sweater that swallowed his frame.</p><p>“What do you want?”</p><p>“We need to talk,” came Lupin’s mild reply. “And we need to exercise sharing magic through the bond. Care to join us downstairs for a couple of hours?”</p><p>Severus studied the dark circles underneath Lupin’s eyes. The soft skin was bruised with fatigue and ailment. He felt a pang of guilt at the thought that he was perhaps responsible for the battered state of the man. Lupin’s eyes widened, and Severus realized in a panic-stricken moment that his mind’s defences had been unknowingly lowered. </p><p>“I’ll come down in a few minutes.”</p><p>Severus closed the door in Lupin’s face, then promptly closed his mind to the man as well. The werewolf neither deserved nor needed his pity. Moreso, Severus couldn’t allow cracks to form in his Occlumency. This house may be his temporary accommodation, but it could never be a home, which meant it was no place to relax his faculties. </p><p>Severus took a few slow breaths and sat down at the desk to finish his order. Once the task was completed, he made his way down the stairs. Lupin and Black were sitting on the sofa in the living room, engulfed by the easy comfort of each other’s company. He cleared his throat loudly enough to startle them.</p><p>“Well?” Severus was already impatient to get back to the guest room.</p><p>Lupin pressed his lips together. “Sirius told me you have been able to feel our presence through the bond quite acutely. I thought we should talk a few things over.”</p><p>“If you think I’m going to put myself through the revolting ordeal of discussing your sex life, you’re sorely mistaken.” Severus turned to leave the room.</p><p>“Can you get over yourself for once?” Black snapped. “We didn’t realize you would be able to feel that, and neither of us is particularly pleased about it either. The thought of you spying on us puts me off sex anyway.” The last sentence was no more than a mutter, which Black punctuated dramatically by looking away and folding his arms in front of his chest in defiance. </p><p>Severus felt his face fill up with blood in outrage and humiliation. “Like I-”</p><p>“Not this again,” Lupin interrupted. “Look, Severus, we don’t have to go into details, but we need to figure out how this bond connects us exactly. Sirius and I have been able to sense each other’s minds so to speak, but not yours. I thought that might be because our relationship is...” he paused delicately, “quite different to the one we share with you, but it seems that I was wrong.” </p><p>Severus had to bite his tongue to stop a scathing reply to Lupin’s attempt at tact. Instead, he said, “I don’t know why it works that way or if it’s a lasting effect. I’ve already owled Dumbledore about it. Hopefully, he can send us more useful literature on bonds.”</p><p>Black narrowed his eyes. “If it turns out he hid this <em> minute </em>detail from us, I swear to Merlin’s saggy balls I’ll-”</p><p>“You will do what exactly, Black? Do go on please.”</p><p>Black laughed harshly. “I hate to say you’re right, but there’s fuck all I can do.” </p><p>“There clearly are ways around it though.” Lupin screwed his eyes shut for a moment and touched his temple as if to chase away a headache. “As far as I understand, your Occlumency kept us from being able to experience <em>your </em>state of mind, yet you were still able to feel us. Does this mean that the barrier you create only works one way?”</p><p>“No. I can compartmentalise the bond in my head, close my mind to it. When I do that, I can’t feel you either.” Severus’s gaze shifted to Black, who was staring him down with surly eyes. </p><p>“And yet you felt us the other morning?” Black’s voice carried a calm that contrasted with the look on his face.</p><p>“My defences must have been lowered while I was sleeping,” Severus replied, choosing to omit the information, that he normally maintained stable Occlumency while he was asleep. The alternative would have required him to explain that the reason for this breakthrough in his shield was in all likelihood the magnitude of their mind’s projections at the time. He could not stomach this kind of discussion. </p><p>“But then we should've been able to sense you as well, right? I didn't notice anything, did you?” Black shot the first question at Severus, then without a pause turned to Lupin, who shook his head. </p><p>“Maybe we just didn't recognize it at the time.”</p><p>“Or maybe,” Severus curved his lips sardonically, “you were too occupied to notice.”</p><p>To Severus' satisfaction, Lupin looked down and flushed deeply in embarrassment. He was about to continue antagonizing the man when Lupin cleared his throat and spoke.</p><p>“If you’re willing, maybe you can teach us the basics of Occlumency,” he offered cautiously. “It’s a really useful skill to have at a time like this, and it might spare you from any repetitions of what happened yesterday.”</p><p>Severus turned the idea over in his head a few times. “We can try, although we’re talking about a highly complex skill here. Do you really think Black is capable? I’ll grant you he’s aesthetically pleasing enough for a boy toy, but I always found his intellect to be lacking.” </p><p>Lupin’s cheeks were still tinted in pink, but he seemed more disappointed now than anything else. Black, however, did not take the bait. Instead, he grinned provocatively. The hairs on Severus’ neck stood on end. </p><p>“Were you trying to insult me? Because I can swear I heard you calling me good looking.” Black rubbed his thumb and index finger against his chin as if to imitate deep thought. “Perhaps you’ve been so focused on my dashing looks, you’ve failed to notice my sharp wits?” </p><p>Severus snorted derisively, but before he could reply Black got up to his feet. “Are we doing this magic sharing thing or what?”</p><p>They spent half an hour practising feeling the boundaries between each other’s wells of magic. It took another hour for them to manage sourcing each other’s power for even the simplest spells. To Severus’ annoyance, Black managed it first by casting a potent <em> Incendio </em>on the fireplace, which almost set the whole room on fire. Severus followed suit with Lupin not long after. </p><p>“There’s a lot of work ahead of us, but this is looking promising. Perhaps tomorrow we can get to Occlumency.” Lupin smiled and tucked his wand into the pocket of his jeans. He turned to Severus, his smile fading into a solemn expression. “I couldn’t find any records of a werewolf ever being bonded to a normal wizard. I guess it’s not exactly surprising that few would be willing to share their magic with a dark creature,” he added bitterly. Black placed his palm on Lupin’s shoulder blade. “You will probably feel unusual tonight, even with a closed mind. If anything goes wrong, send a Patronus messenger to the basement. Sirius will be there with me in his animagus form.”</p><p>Severus glared at Lupin, annoyed by the implication, but was too tired to argue. He would rather leave himself to the mercy of the werewolf than ask Black for help.</p><p>After quickly devouring a few dried-up pieces of bread and a browning banana he found in the kitchen, he locked himself in the guest bedroom in anticipation of the full moon. Animagi magic would certainly be very curious to experience. To feel the lycanthropy on the other hand was a tug towards monstrous darkness, a free fall from the razor-edge he was barely balancing on. Nonetheless, Severus opened his mind at the rise of the moon, driven by morbid curiosity. The potion master braced himself, anxiety building within him. He tensed his body and screwed his eyes shut as energy built up across the bond and travelled down his limbs. In a moment, the feeling was gone. </p><p>Severus’ eyelids flew open in surprise. His thoughts were racing. He could no longer sense the two men at all. Perhaps Lupin had forgotten to take his final dose of wolfsbane potion and the two beasts had attacked each other fatally? No, surely not. The moon had only just risen seconds ago, they wouldn’t have had the time. Severus opened the door of his room and strained his hearing for any sign of disturbances in the basement. Faint sounds of scratching could be heard from downstairs. </p><p>Lying awake in the dark, Severus made another attempt to search his mind for the presence of the two men. Nothing. This was certainly an interesting development. He would have to do some research tomorrow. Once more, Severus wrapped himself tightly in the blanket of Occlumency and surrendered himself to sleep.</p><p>***</p><p>Remus woke up naked and stiff on the cold concrete floor of the basement. He inspected his body gingerly but found nothing that required urgent medical attention. Next to him, Padfoot was still sleeping, ravelled in a tight coil. Remus ran his hand over the dog’s fur. Within seconds a loud crack echoed in the room and the dog rearranged itself into a sleepy, nude Sirius. </p><p>Remus drunk in the image of his lover. The years in Azkaban had stripped Sirius of the seductive confidence of youth, which had turned many heads back in the day. Lines of grief and anger now marked his face, his hair was greying at the temples, his body - bony and pale.This new Sirius was often moody and irritable. He woke up with choked screams in the middle of the night, the lump in his throat almost palpable. And yet, underneath all the scars of imprisonment, Remus easily recognized the man he had once fallen in love with; fiercely loyal and quick-witted. Looking at Sirius’ naked form Remus felt a desire, which hadn’t diminished with the years. </p><p>Sirius noticed him staring, and fluttered his eyelashes in mock coquettishness. His face broke into a lazy grin and he drew himself closer to Remus, tangling their bare legs together. “Anything I can help you with?”</p><p>A shiver ran down Remus' spine. “We-” he gasped as Sirius ground their hips together with a slow, deliberate movement. “We shouldn’t. Severus might be-”</p><p>At the sound of Snape’s name, Sirius recoiled. “Don’t mention <em>his </em>name when I'm touching you.” He grabbed a pair of pants that he had left on a chair the previous night. </p><p>“You’re the one who was particularly disturbed by the realization that he can feel us having sex,” Remus retorted defensively and reached for his own clothes. </p><p>“Yes, and I was right to be concerned, wasn’t I? We’ve barely been back together for a month and, Merlin, I’d missed you so much.” Sirius ran a hand through his hair and looked at Remus helplessly. “But now <em> Snape </em>is creeping in our heads all the time and I can’t even touch you anymore?”</p><p>Remus took Sirius’s hand and pressed the palm to his lips, hoping the gesture would express what words failed to convey. “I know. I’ve missed you, I want and need this too. I wish things were different, but we can’t expect Severus to keep his guard up at all times and we can’t just… not when he’s-”</p><p>“Since when do you care so much about him?” Sirius exploded, pulling his hand away.</p><p>Remus startled at the outburst and simultaneously felt a pang of something at the back of his head that gave him a pause. “You’re jealous.”</p><p>A deadly silence took over the room. They looked at each other for a prolonged moment. Finally, Sirius let out a little laugh, breaking the tension. “Yeah, maybe I am. Is that ridiculous or what?” Sirius took a deep breath and plunged in bluntly. “Snape is not a good man and he hates you. He got you fired from the first job you’ve had in years. So what gives, why are you always defending him? What do you even see in him that’s worth defending?”</p><p>“I am not defending him, I just think it would be unwise and frankly dangerous to create any more hostility between us right now. That aside, I don’t begrudge him for getting me fired. Of course, I wish I still had that job, but he was right. I was a danger to the students.” Sirius shook his head in agitation but bit back whatever retort he had in mind. “I also think he knows he has made grave mistakes in the past and is trying to right his wrongs. I respect that.” Remus pressed the heels of his hands against his temples to soothe the budding ache in his head. “There’s something else as well. Remember that night in seventh year after the final quidditch match of the year? When we all got drunk?”</p><p>“Ha! You mean when McKinnon dared James to run naked into Myrtle’s bathroom and confess his love to her?” Amusement crept in Sirius' voice. “I had completely forgotten about that.”</p><p>“Never mind that now. Later on, when you and James had passed out Lily started rambling on about her childhood with Severus. His parents were horrible to him, they neglected and abused him. How can I judge him when I never had to go through what he went through?”</p><p>“Oh, yeah. You were only bitten by a werewolf at the tender age of 5 and had to spend most of your childhood hiding your true identity for fear of being kicked out of school.”</p><p>“Yes, but-”</p><p>“Then,” Sirius pressed on forcefully, “you had to fight tooth and nail against prejudice and ostracism just to get an occasional odd job to survive. Piece of cake, the whole thing. And need I remind you that my family were hardly the loving and caring type? Chauvinistic snakes, the whole bunch of them.”</p><p>“But we had each other. You, me and James.” Peter’s name hung unsaid in the frosty air between them. “Severus was surrounded by the likes of Malfoy, Mulciber, Rosier and Nott. He was groomed to be a death eater from the moment the Sorting Hat put him in Slytherin.”</p><p>Sirius deflated with a sigh. “We had each other,” he echoed back and his gaze drifted. Remus didn’t want to interrupt Sirius’ train of thoughts, but the dull ache in his bones made him want to shuffle. His joints popped with each move.</p><p>Sirius threw a quick glance at him, then averted his eyes in shame. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to pick a fight.”</p><p>Remus shook his head. “None of that, we’re fine. Let’s just get out of here, I need to lie down on an actual bed.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Severus made his way to the living room on the evening after the full moon, in search of Lupin and Black. He found them in their usual configuration on the sofa and watched for a moment as Black threw his head back in unrestrained laughter at a wry comment from Lupin. With a slight shudder, Severus broke out of the trance and strode into the room impatiently. </p><p>“I have some interesting news for you,” he said. </p><p>They looked up at him surprised, like schoolboys caught in mischief. Severus had the unpleasant suspicion that they had been talking about him. He brushed the thought aside. “Black, could you transform into your animagus form for us?”</p><p>Black stared at him, puzzled. “What are you on about?” </p><p>Lupin placed a gentle hand on his knee. “Just do it.”</p><p>Black rolled his eyes at Lupin but complied nonetheless. With an echoing crack, he transformed into a large black dog. </p><p>Severus turned expectantly to Lupin. “Can you feel that?”</p><p>“Feel… what exactly?” Lupin furrowed his brows in confusion.</p><p>“Precisely. Yesterday when the two of you transformed, I noticed an absence in my mind where the bond was meant to be.”</p><p>Lupin eyed him curiously. “You were searching for it?” </p><p>“Purely scholastic, of course,” Severus replied.</p><p>For a moment Lupin looked as though he was on the verge of saying something, but then seemed to decide against it. Instead, he patted the dog’s back, which transformed into Black within seconds. </p><p>“I guess the bond does not extend to our animal forms then?” Black asked.</p><p>“As Lupin said yesterday, information on lycanthropy in respect to bonding is sparse at best.” Lupin winced. “However, I did find an illuminating report on the effects of animagi magic on bonds. The animal form of a wizard is a separate magical entity, although the governing principles behind this law of transfiguration are unclear. I left the report on the desk in the library if you want to have a look.”</p><p>“Does that also mean we’ll be unable to share our magic when transformed?” Black inquired, one hand playing with the hem of his shirt. </p><p>“Yes,” Severus replied. </p><p>“You might have to abstain from transforming with me on the full moon," Lupin said to Black. "Someone has to act as a backup for Severus in case of an emergency.” </p><p>Black tipped his head back on the sofa and hummed in agreement.  For the second time in the last couple of days, Severus was taken aback by the lack of arguments and hostility on Black’s part and had to hold back a presumptuous comeback. </p><p>“We too have some news you will appreciate,” Lupin said. “We found a few cases in which the bonded have been able to sense each other’s states of mind. It’s a very rare side effect, and it wore off eventually in all of the bonds.”</p><p>Severus felt numb with relief. The fear of having his private feelings always a hair's breadth away from being openly displayed to Lupin and Black had constricted his chest for days. If this particular aspect of their situation was only temporary, then he could surely learn to live with the rest of it. He’d lived with worse.</p><p>“Right. We should get practising.” Lupin stood up abruptly and stretched his laced hands up and above his head with a series of cracks and pops, before settling into a poised stance. Black got to his feet too, although he still seemed lost in thought.</p><p>They picked up where they had left off the previous night, attempting to share each other’s magic to perform simple spells and the exercises were running more smoothly already. They managed to procure impressive power, but they still struggled to navigate it. An hour later, they were repairing the damage from a Confringo spell gone wild.</p><p>“I think we should probably wrap up the spell work for now,” Lupin said as he levitated a few scattered books from the floor back to the shelves. “I was hoping you could show us the fundamentals of Occlumency.” He turned to look at Severus. “You agreed we could try.”</p><p>Severus cursed himself inwardly for having caved in the previous night. He already spent most of his days trying to keep Black and Lupin out of his head, and himself out of theirs. Why had he so frivolously volunteered to spend an evening of his time purposefully rummaging through their minds? Lupin had made a good point in saying that teaching them Occlumency would help dampen the side effects of the bond. In theory, this was all perfectly reasonable, but when it came down to actually doing it... he would have to hope they picked it up quickly.</p><p>“Fine. Let’s get this over and done with.” </p><p>“Try to control your enthusiasm, Snape." An irritable smirk played on Black's mouth. "You might get us excited about this.” </p><p>“Believe it or not, your excitement is of little interest to me.”</p><p>“Oh, I believe it alright,” Black muttered, but sat back down on the sofa and looked expectantly at Severus nonetheless. </p><p>It took a while to explain the basics of disciplining one’s mind. He barely managed to scratch the surface of the theory behind this ancient branch of magic, but the questions Black and Lupin were asking suggested comprehension on their behalf. At any rate, Severus felt that the best way to acquire Occlumency skills was to practice. </p><p>“Which of you wants to go first?” Severus asked. Lupin threw Black a glance, his face betraying concern for a fraction of a second.</p><p>“I do.” He stepped forward towards Severus. </p><p>“Remember, try to push me away solely with your mind. You shouldn’t need spells to defend yourself against Legilimency.” Lupin nodded. “I’ll go on three. One, two, three, Legilimens!”</p><p>Severus felt himself dipping into Lupin’s memories. Greyback’s hairy face loomed over 5-year old Lupin, his yellow eyes flashing maliciously. As the image changed into one of a small wolf thrashing inside a narrow storage cupboard, Severus felt resistance. A moment later, Lupin had managed to push Severus completely out of his mind.</p><p>Lupin’s face broke into a rare full grin that revealed a slightly chipped front tooth. Black gave an impressed whistle. They tried the exercise a few more times until at the end Severus found himself completely unable to penetrate Lupin’s defences. This didn’t come as too much of a surprise. Lupin had always had a disciplined mind, and even in his teenage years had consistently demonstrated a good rein of his emotions. </p><p>“You have an aptitude for Occlumency,” Severus complimented begrudgingly. “Of course, you’ve been defending yourself when you know you are about to be attacked. Keeping your guard up at all times, and being able to push off attacks when you least expect them is an entirely different matter. That is the skill that makes a truly accomplished Occlumens.”</p><p>“Constant vigilance!” Black growled in perfect emulation of Moody, and Lupin laughed. Severus pursed his lips in disapproval. He shook off the annoyance at their flippant behaviour and addressed Black.</p><p>“Your turn.” </p><p>Black took a step towards Severus, as Lupin stepped back to give them space. Black’s back was unnaturally straight and his eyes burned with defiance, although the way he bit into his lower lip hinted at a lack of confidence.</p><p>“You needn’t worry Black, my expectations are as low as they can be.” Black lifted his index and middle fingers in a rude gesture. Severus regarded him dispassionately. “I’ll count to three again,” he said. “One, two, three, Legilimens!”</p><p>Two young children, which Severus recognized as the Black brothers, were running around the expansive gardens of a large provincial house… Black, several years older now, was lying on a bed in what was presumably his bedroom, with a rebellious look in his eyes. Loud clattering music was playing from a small radio, drowning out the sounds of screaming and pounding at the door… Black sitting on the floor next to a Christmas tree surrounded by James Potter and his family… Black sobbing at the ruins of Lily and Potter’s house, his face illuminated in fluorescent green light from the dark mark… Black huddled in a corner of his cell in Azkaban, rocking back and forth and staring at the wall as a horde of dementors slid in and out of view through the bars on the door…</p><p>“FINITE INCANTATEM!”</p><p>Severus found himself back in the living room of Grimmauld Place, his body pushed backwards at the force of the spell. In front of him, Black had fallen on his knees and was clutching his head in his hands.</p><p>“No, no, no, no, no,” he moaned. Lupin was squatting next to him, one arm flung protectively over Black’s shoulders, the other clinging to his wand, which was still pointing at Severus. He was whispering something in Black’s ear. Severus wondered if he should give them privacy, but his feet felt glued to the floor. A few minutes passed before Lupin got up, pulling his partner along. Lupin sat Black on the sofa and summoned a glass of water, which Black downed in one go. He then smiled wearily at Lupin and pressed a chaste, reassuring kiss to his lips. They seemed completely unaware of Severus’ presence in the room for a while until Black turned his eyes to him. Severus expected to find anger or resentment there, but there was none.</p><p>“You just got a front seat to one of my recurring nightmares, Snape.” Black laughed shakily, his voice hoarse and unsteady. “If I learn to close my mind, would I be able to block these dreams?”</p><p>“You should be able to keep them at bay,” Severus replied.</p><p>Black stared blankly at the floor. His lips moved mutely, half-forming words that never came out. Lupin squeezed Black’s shoulder, then turned to Severus.  </p><p>“Can we do this again?”</p><p>Severus contemplated the question. Spending extra time with Black and Lupin was certainly not on his agenda. Less than five minutes ago, he would have refused without so much as a second thought. Watching his school enemy kneel on the floor and tremble like a frightened child had been a sobering sight.</p><p>“We can try again, but most of the work will require you to practice in your own time.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Lupin said. “We appreciate it.” Black nodded and lifted his gaze to Severus again. </p><p>Severus felt uncomfortable with this shift of dynamics. A simple exchange of civilities, and yet it weighed heavily between them. He bid them goodnight and made for the door.</p><p>***</p><p>Once Severus had left the room, Remus turned to Sirius, trying to keep his tone casual. “Did he access a memory of you in Azkaban?” </p><p>Sirius didn’t look up, his attention absorbed in pulling a strip of skin from underneath the nail of his thumb. “It’s ok. I’m ok. I expected something like this might happen.” He managed to tear the skin off, leaving a raw patch of flesh underneath. “I can’t produce a Patronus anymore,” he added lightly. </p><p>“Sirius, look at me please.” Sirius inhaled sharply and met Remus’ eyes. “You are the bravest, strongest person I know. No competition.” Sirius snorted, looking faintly amused now. “No, I mean it. Most people crack in Azkaban, you know that better than anyone. But you are still here fighting, and I am so proud of you.”</p><p>Sirius fidgeted awkwardly. “That was soppy even for you.”</p><p>Remus laughed, more with relief at the return to normalcy than anything else. Tonight’s incident had shaken him deeply, although he had kept his composure for Sirius’ sake.</p><p>He had tried asking about Sirius’ time in Azkaban a few times, hoping that talking might help him begin to heal. Sirius always brushed the questions off and bottled the pain until the next time it spilt over in the shape of a grotesque nightmare. Remus was now used to seeing his partner fighting for his sanity privately at night, in the confines of sleep. Seeing him fall apart out in the open, in front of Severus of all people, made the fractures in his psyche appear all the more real. </p><p>Remus wrapped his fingers around Sirius upper arm and held tight.</p><p>***</p><p>Sirius walked into the kitchen in the early hours of the morning, nursing a headache that had bothered him since the Occlumency lesson. His whole body reeled backwards in surprise when he saw Snape hovering over the kitchen table with a mug and a piece of toast. The sun was drawing sharp contrasts of pale skin against black hair. </p><p>“Well, that’s certainly a first,” Sirius said. He sat on the table across from Snape, summoned a bruised peach and a knife and started cutting the fruit into uneven pieces. “What brings you here? I thought you were avoiding casual contact with us at all costs.”</p><p>Snape did not acknowledge the question. He took a careful bite of toast.</p><p>“Can we have another try at Occlumency today?” Sirius stabbed a piece of peach and stuffed it into his mouth. He looked expectantly up at Snape, who stared glumly back. </p><p>“I have a meeting to attend. It seems that the Dark Lord doesn’t particularly care about your needs, Black,” Snape said sourly and downed the remainder of his coffee. He headed towards the door without another word. Sirius ate another piece of peach, staring at the breadcrumbs scattered on the table.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I apologize for the delay, there were some passages I was a bit uncertain of. Chapter 5 should be posted on Friday 5th of September. Thanks again to AtheistGoat for amazing beta work!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Severus returned to the house on Grimmauld Place late in the evening, his body aching with fatigue. He took his soaking shoes off in the hallway and stumbled towards the living room in search of Black’s whiskey. A narrow strip of light underneath the closed door revealed that the inhabitants of the house were awake despite the late hour. His hand hovered hesitantly over the doorknob for a moment.</p><p>Severus exhaled a long breath through his nose, then opened the door forcefully, expecting to be greeted by the sight of the two men sitting together in their usual companionable manner. Instead, to Severus’ surprise, Lupin was sitting on the sofa by himself, legs folded underneath him like a cat. He was cradling an open book in his hands.</p><p></p><div class="userstuff module">
  <p>“Good evening, Severus,” Lupin said, only briefly lifting his gaze from the book. </p>
  <p>Severus barely suppressed the impulse to flinch at the mild civility. He acknowledged the other man with a minuscule nod and scanned the room for the bottle of Ogden’s. A glimmer of green caught his eyes and he found the bottle on a small table near the sofa, casting emerald shadows on the dark wood. Severus found himself walking purposefully towards it, his mind only half aware of his actions. He summoned a glass and poured generously in it. </p>
  <p>“Rough day?” Lupin had closed the book and was studying him openly. </p>
  <p>“What do you care?” Severus took a large sip and collapsed onto an armchair. He was able to push away the images of the things he had seen and done that night, but the horror had seeped into his flesh and bones. Severus didn’t want to be alone, although he wouldn't admit that to anybody, least of all to Lupin. Normally, upon returning from the Dark Lord’s side he would visit the Headmaster’s office to disclose the latest information, even if it wasn’t urgent. Unfortunately, Dumbledore had been away for more than half a week now, doing his mysterious bidding. </p>
  <p>“Is there anything I could do to help?” A husky voice startled Severus out of his thoughts. He poured more alcohol down his throat in lieu of a response. </p>
  <p>“Do you want to talk about it?” Lupin tried again warily.</p>
  <p>Severus looked up to Lupin, in disbelief at the preposterous suggestion. “No,” was all he managed to say. His hands embraced the tumbler tighter. The whiskey was only a shade or so lighter than Lupin’s eyes, and Severus felt like he was being watched from the bottom of the glass. He downed it in a few large gulps and placed it on the floor.</p>
  <p>“As you wish.” Lupin turned his attention back to the book.</p>
  <p>The bottle still lay heavy and tempting in Severus’ lap, almost halfway full. He grasped it and revelled in its pleasant coolness. The luxurious label was frayed at the edges as if restless hands had tried to peel it off. Black’s doing in all likelihood. The man hadn’t stopped fidgeting since they’d settled into the house, although Lupin’s composed nature seemed to steady him somewhat. Severus took a few generous swigs straight from the bottle, the whiskey burning his tongue.</p>
  <p>“Does it help?” Severus asked some time later, eyes glued to the bottle. He paused, unsure of his next words. “Not being alone?” He glanced up to find the gentle curve of Lupin’s mouth flattening at the question. </p>
  <p>***</p>
  <p>Remus was rereading a passage about the intricacies of a good Obliviate charm for the third time. His thoughts kept straying back to Severus, and it took some effort to keep his eyes from straying to the man as well. To drink, and to allow himself to lose control in such a way was very uncharacteristic of Severus. Even more startling were the words that suddenly tumbled from his lips and sent a chill down Remus’ spine.</p>
  <p>“Does it help? Not being alone?”</p>
  <p>Remus knew that these blurted questions, fueled by alcohol and whatever terror Severus had experienced earlier, did not call for an answer. They confessed a need that the potion master had likely hoarded in secrecy, precious of it ever coming out.  </p>
  <p>“You don’t have to be alone, Severus,” Remus said finally.</p>
  <p>Severus glared at him, but Remus continued, determined, “We don’t have to be enemies.” </p>
  <p>“But we will never be friends.”</p>
  <p>“No, perhaps not.” </p>
  <p>Fourteen years ago on an inconspicious October night, Remus had lost all the people he loved, the only ones who had accepted him unconditionally. He had gotten to know soul-wrenching loneliness then, and recognizing it in Severus brought that pain afresh as if no time had passed at all. Remus wanted to comfort his companion, but he knew any attempt would be unwelcome.</p>
  <p>They sat in silence until Severus finished the bottle. When he got up to leave, Remus followed him cautiously, prepared to steady the man if he were to lose his balance on the steps.</p>
  <p>“I don't need your help. I can walk on my own.” Severus’ normally smooth baritone was scratchy from the whiskey. He bristled at Remus’ presumption, but the slight sway in his step indicated that he was less sober than he would have liked to admit.</p>
  <p>When they reached the third-floor landing and Severus headed for his room, Remus said, “You know, if there’s anyone who understands what it's like to be lonely, it’s Sirius. You saw a glimpse of what he went through in Azkaban.” Severus’ eyes were glimmering oddly now. Remus pressed on. “I am no stranger to loneliness either.” </p>
  <p>At this admission, Severus stared him down with a challenging look. Remus felt a humming in his mind. He inspected it curiously, already half-certain of what he would find there. Severus had dropped his Occlumency shield. Anger, sorrow and fear left a bitter taste in Remus’ mouth as bile surged up his throat. He took a step towards Severus and placed a hand on his shoulder. Severus tried to move away from the touch, but Remus was stronger and managed to pull him into a tight hug. They struggled against each other for a few seconds, then Severus fell limp, his nails sinking painfully into Remus’ skin. The sound of the potion master’s rapid shallow breaths filled the hallway. </p>
  <p>A noise of thudding steps came down the stairs of the attic. “Remus? I felt Snape, he’s in trouble I think-”</p>
  <p>Severus stumbled away from Remus, who didn’t try to stop him this time.</p>
  <p>“Merlin, Snape! Are you… ok?”. </p>
  <p>An oppressive silence hung in the room for several seconds, then Severus bolted for his bedroom.</p>
  <p>“What the hell was that about?” Sirius asked bewildered.</p>
  <p>“Let’s get ready for bed,” Remus said and steered him towards the bathroom. They went through their night routine in rushed silence, not looking at each other. Once they had settled under the blankets, Remus told Sirius what had transpired earlier that evening, omitting only the unexpected questions Severus had asked, which felt too private to divulge.</p>
  <p>“I think he desperately needed to share with someone. No, not even that. I think he just wanted to be seen, no guards.” Remus closed his eyes at the memory of Severus’ mind, painful and raw.</p>
  <p>Sirius reached out and squeezed his hand. “I never thought I’d feel for Snape, but that was dreadful. Hopefully, he won’t remember most of this tomorrow.”</p>
  <p>“That was rather the point, I think.” Remus pressed closer to Sirius, his body instinctively seeking a source of warmth and understanding. “I am so glad you’re here,” he whispered in the crook of Sirius’ neck.</p>
  <p>***</p>
  <p>Sirius was sitting on an armchair in the living room, tapping his foot restlessly against the carpet while he was waiting for Snape to appear. He had slid a note under Snape’s door in the morning, asking for another Occlumency lesson but the potion master had left the house soon after without an explanation.</p>
  <p>After taking a deep breath, Sirius stilled his foot and closed his eyes. He tried to narrow his attention on processing the sensations in his body. The air coming in and out of his lungs and nose, the lumpy cushions underneath his back and thighs, the gritty feeling of the velvet armrests on his palms. Sirius had practised closing his mind in regular intervals since the incident from a few days ago, but he found his mind drifting and his concentration lapsing more often than not. Occlumency requires discipline, Snape had said, but discipline had never been Sirius’ strong suit.</p>
  <p>“Black.” Snape’s cool voice filled the room, and Sirius opened his eyes to see the potion master standing a few feet away, arms folded on his chest. “Closing one’s eyes to practice Occlumency is a crutch for weak minds.” </p>
  <p>Sirius ignored the provocation. “Did Voldemort summon you again today?”</p>
  <p>Snape nodded indifferently and raised his wand at the ready. </p>
  <p>“What happened?” Sirius asked.</p>
  <p>“I was under the impression that you wanted me to teach you to close your mind,” Snape sneered. “Are you looking for a casual chat too? Lupin not satisfying <em>that</em> particular need of yours?”</p>
  <p>Sirius clenched his fists feeling the blood pound into them. “Do you have to be a git? I just wanted to know if you have any news.”</p>
  <p>“And why would I entrust the precious information I’ve gathered at risk of my life to someone with the self-control of an eight-year-old?” Snape's stance was poised for combat.</p>
  <p>Sirius tried to hold on to the last shreds of restraint he had. “Stop looking for a fight and let’s just get on with it."</p>
  <p>“Don’t think anything has changed between us, Black.” Snape didn’t need to and likely didn’t want to specify what he was talking about.</p>
  <p>“Oh, of course.” Sirius laughed incredulously. “I forgot about your fragile ego, Snape. Forgive me,” he taunted, getting up from the chair and raising his wand. “If you’re that keen on a duel, I’ll be more than happy to-”</p>
  <p>“MORDEO!”</p>
  <p>“ARIETO CRUS!”</p>
  <p>Sirius’ tripping jinx toppled Snape on the hard floor at the same time as Snape’s stinging curse hit Sirius in the right forearm, causing his wand to fly off and land behind the sofa. As Snape got up swiftly on one knee, Sirius tackled him back down, pinning his wand hand to the floor. They wrestled for dominance furiously, until Sirius managed to straddle Snape over the hips and hold him down while he summoned his own wand. They looked at each other, panting heavily from the exertion, pupils dilated with adrenaline. The top button of Snape’s high-collared shirt had popped open during the fight and now revealed the fluttering pulse point on the potion master’s pale neck. Sirius was struck to see the exposed curves of tender-looking skin underneath the stiff cloth. He wasn’t sure what exactly he had expected to see, scales perhaps? After an awkward pause, he leapt to his feet lightly and took a step back. </p>
  <p>“You too saw me in a moment of weakness. We’re even.” He outstretched an arm to help Snape up. </p>
  <p>Snape rolled his eyes. “When did you become so sanctimonious, Black?” He grasped the offered hand and got to his feet, then inspected his wand carefully for damage. </p>
  <p>“That’s your idea of being sanctimonious?! I just muggle wrestled you to the floor!”</p>
  <p>“Get yourself ready for practice, Black. I don’t have all evening.”</p>
  <p>Sirius scowled, but took a deep breath and tried to clear his mind. He could feel the blood still coursing madly through his body. A drop of sweat ran from his hairline down his temple. He wiped it with the back of his sleeve.</p>
  <p>“On three. One, two, three, Legilimens!”</p>
  <p>***</p>
  <p>The days following the duel were unnervingly lacking in sarcastic exchanges and vitriol. A tentative peace had settled delicately in the house. Severus’ excursions behind enemy lines had been sparing, and he had fallen into a comfortable routine. When his days weren’t busy with Order meetings, they were spent brewing potions and researching useful defence magic. The evenings had become a customary time for meetings in the living room, where they would practice sharing magic through the bond for increasingly complex spells. Recently Black had managed to use their combined power to transform the sofa into a perfect giant acromantula, and then back again just in time to save Lupin’s leg from getting snipped off by angry pincers. Intricate spellwork like that would normally require weeks of practice and immense concentration, but the bond allowed them to do it with ease. Severus caught himself looking forward to these late hours when they could get creative with their magic. Occlumency lessons usually took place right after, and although Black was still struggling to practice the skills required for consistent mental control, he was trying hard and slowly improving. Overall, Severus had had a surprisingly decent week given the circumstances. </p>
  <p>One early evening about a fortnight after moving into the house, he ventured to the kitchen to find Lupin and Black having a modest dinner of bread, cheese and eggs. Black swallowed obnoxiously and wiped his mouth clean with both palms.</p>
  <p>“You heading off somewhere?” he asked.</p>
  <p>Severus sat across from Lupin and Black. He summoned a plate from one of the cupboards, and started buttering a few pieces of bread over it. “I’m having dinner. If my presence offends, I’m afraid I don’t care.”</p>
  <p>“We’re surprised is all. I thought you survived on a strict diet of children’s tears,” Black said and grinned at him insolently before stuffing a slice of cheese in his mouth.</p>
  <p>Severus gave him a withering look. “How long did it take you to come up with this hilarious quip, Black?”</p>
  <p>“It comes naturally when you’re in the room,” Black shrugged. “You bring out the best in me.”</p>
  <p>“Will you two schoolchildren ever stop bickering?” Lupin crinkled his nose with vexation.</p>
  <p>“What else is there to do in this wretched house, Remus? At least you can go out and stretch your legs a bit. My only sources of entertainment here are my dear mother’s collection of wizard genealogy books and getting on Snape’s nerves.” Black paused his tirade and raised a suggestive eyebrow at Lupin. “Unless you have any other ideas?”</p>
  <p>“Sirius,” Lupin groaned and covered his face with his hands, a furious blush creeping up his neck and ears. </p>
  <p>Severus froze for a second, then put the buttered bread down and got up to brew some tea, his back turned to the other two men. </p>
  <p>Black let out a short bark of laughter at Lupin. “You're being ridiculous. Snape, can you make a cup of tea for me as well?” </p>
  <p>Severus poured some tea into a second mug and brought both of them to the table, pushing one towards Black.</p>
  <p>“Thanks. Anyway, as I was saying, you...” Black gestured with his fork at Lupin, “are such a prude sometimes.”</p>
  <p>Severus scowled with irritation. “Lupin’s coyness aside, has it occurred to you that maybe I don’t want to hear about your vile debaucheries?”</p>
  <p>Black's face froze. "Is that because you hate us, or is it because we’re <em>faggots</em>?”</p>
  <p>Severus’ back stiffened at the ugly sound of the word. <em>Faggots</em>. He blew at his tea, not looking at either man. “I couldn’t care less about what you two get up to,” he said, still looking down.</p>
  <p>“Then why are you so bothered?” Black asked.</p>
  <p>Severus felt an unbearable itch. The compulsion to scratch it was too strong and before he was fully aware of what was happening, his Occlumency was being shed off like a stifling coat. He searched for the bond in his mind expecting to find ridicule or resentment. Instead, a faint curiosity floated from Lupin’s end, which was then quickly extinguished along with any other sensation of the bond. Black, on the other hand, was projecting anxiety, which bubbled into anger. Unlike Lupin, he hadn’t yet learnt how to close his mind completely and his outrage kept flowing freely into Severus. Severus raised his eyes from the cup of tea to find the two men watching him; Lupin looking bemused, Black - frowning. Severus closed his mind once again, filing the information for later.</p>
  <p>“You know, Severus, if you want to know what we think you could just ask us,” Lupin said.</p>
  <p>“Your naiveté is astounding,” Severus noted condescendingly, trying to keep his hands stable on the mug. “I doubt my opinion on homosexuality would stop you from buggering each other, so I don’t see what difference it makes.”</p>
  <p>“And yet here we are, decidedly not buggering thanks to you,” Black said, throwing a dirty side-eye at Lupin. “You won’t be disturbed by our faggotry too much, Snape,” he added with a revolted look on his face.</p>
  <p>Severus inspected each man meticulously. Black was seething in his chair, his displeasure telegraphed by every inch of his body. Black’s left hand was tightened in a claw-like grip around the edge of the table. He was chewing moodily on his lower lip. Lupin’s stance was far more relaxed, leaning forward with his elbows resting on the table for support. Their gazes met, and Severus felt himself being searched by pensive eyes. He bit his tongue painfully until the sour taste of blood filled his mouth. The silence was becoming unbearable. Severus got up and cast a cleaning charm on his plate.</p>
  <p>“Are you still planning to join us in the living room tonight?” Lupin asked.</p>
  <p>“Yes.” Severus picked up his cup of tea and left the room. He swiftly climbed the steps to his bedroom, where he sat on the edge of the bed.</p>
  <p>Just half an hour ago Severus had managed to convince himself to go to the kitchen and get something to eat despite knowing that this was the time Black and Lupin usually had their supper. He had been hungry and it seemed unnecessary to keep going out of his way to avoid them, especially now that they were getting along reasonably well. He should have known this peace was fictive. The image of Black’s mouth curving around the word “faggots” swam at the forefront of his closed eyes.</p>
  <p>Even more disconcerting were the recurring breaches in his Occlumency. His shield, once an impenetrable fortress, had yet again crumbled. It would be unwise to keep indulging himself in such weaknesses of will, brought by curiosity and desire to understand. To ask as Lupin had suggested, was simply unthinkable. And still, Severus’ mind had bent and searched for answers regardless.</p>
  <p>Severus sucked in a long breath through his teeth and moved to the desk. He picked up the book on transformative Dark Arts he had started before dinner and opened it on a random page.</p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks once again to AtheistGoat for the wonderful input as a beta reader for this work. Next chapter will be out in a couple of weeks at least :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The alabaster figures pleasantly reflected and refracted the light as Sirius placed them in their positions on the chessboard. Remus was watching him, cosily curled on the sofa.</p><p>“Just one game, he’s not coming anyway.” Sirius dropped a pawn on the floor and watched it shout and point its little fist towards him. He picked it up and inspected it carefully. “I could have sworn he had started to tolerate us lately. Us being queer is where he draws the line?”</p><p>“You seem quite invested in what he thinks of our relationship,” Remus said and inspected his fingernails with a feigned indifference that grated on Sirius.</p><p>“I couldn't give a damn what he thinks.” A slight tilt of the head told Sirius that his partner was less than convinced. “I just don’t appreciate being judged in my own house,” Sirius insisted and placed the pawn on the chessboard. “And all for getting a piece of the finest ass in England.”</p><p>Remus let out a surprised laugh and raised his eyebrows mockingly. “That’s a very romantic view of our relationship. In any case, I don’t think that’s what-”</p><p>The door opened and Snape entered the room. Remus smiled at him, looking pleased. </p><p>“We had started to think you wouldn’t come after all.” </p><p>Snape regarded Remus coldly. “I don’t believe I’ve given you a reason to think me unreliable in the last fourteen years.”</p><p>Remus’ mouth twisted in one corner, turning the smile lopsided. Sirius recognized that smile for what it was: self-deprecation. Remus was berating himself for something, probably fuelled by thoughts that he himself had been unreliable in front of Snape in the past.</p><p>“Indeed, you haven’t.” Remus got up from the sofa and rolled his sleeves up to the elbows revealing strong forearms engraved with countless scars. Sirius took him in appreciatively and upon looking up he found Snape also following the movement with his eyes. Remus shrugged self-consciously as if to apologize for the battered state of his body. Sirius shook his head, while Snape averted his gaze.</p><p>“It’s late. We should get started,” Remus said. The gravel in his voice made Sirius squirm uncomfortably. Remus threw him a warning look, but the reddening of his face suggested he too was affected, perhaps sensing Sirius’ interest through the bond. Sirius counted through the twelve magical properties of dragon blood in his head to distract himself. </p><p>They worked their way through various spells in a tense silence. Usually, Snape and Sirius would aim barbed comments at each other, occasionally joined by Remus’ dry wit. Tonight, Snape was subdued, only speaking when spoken to and even then only when necessity required it. By the time they had decided to wrap up the exercise and move on to Occlumency lessons, the tension was pulling on Sirius’ skin and his muscles felt taut to a tearing point. </p><p>“Ready, Black? One, two three, Legilimens!”</p><p>Sirius felt the familiar sensation of his mind being forcefully searched. He pushed a particular memory to the forefront of his mind. A twenty-year-old Remus was kneeling on the floor in front him and sucking his cock, eyes hazy with lust… The aggressive inspection of Sirius’ thoughts wavered for a second, and he seized the opportunity.</p><p>“Protego!”</p><p>The image shifted and Sirius found himself in the dungeons of Hogwarts. Snape was watching two boys embrace in a dark hallway. Sirius’ breath hitched at the sight of himself and Remus, so young and clumsy and desperate for each other, but also full of shame and fear. Their love had existed only in corners back then and behind the sealed drapes of their four-poster beds.</p><p>The image dissolved completely, and Sirius was back in the living room of Grimmauld Place. He was hunched over and clutching at a painful stitch at his side, trying to process what he had just seen. A few meters away he could see Snape mirroring his position, glowering at him through long strands of hair. </p><p>“You did this on purpose.”</p><p>***</p><p>Remus had barely managed to take a step back after Severus’ Legilimency attack on Sirius when Sirius had cast a shield charm and seconds later the two men were panting with exertion and staring daggers at each other. Sirius ran a shaky hand through his hair, eyes glued to Severus. </p><p>“You did this on purpose,” Severus snarled.</p><p>Remus looked at Sirius, torn between curiosity and trepidation, but Sirius did not address Severus’ accusation. After a few more moments of silence filled only by heavy breathing and shuffling of feet, Remus couldn’t contain himself any longer.</p><p>“What is going on?”</p><p>“He watched us snog in Hogwarts,” Sirius shot out.</p><p>“Don’t flatter yourself, Black. It was a chance encounter,” Severus said. He’d collected himself and was watching them indifferently.</p><p>Remus reeled back bewildered. “You knew about us in school? Why did you never tell anyone?”</p><p>“This may come as a surprise to you, Lupin, but in our final years at Hogwarts I had other priorities.”</p><p>“Too busy devoting your life to a mass murderer?” Sirius asked, unnervingly quiet. Remus groaned inwardly and braced himself for another conflict. To Remus’ surprise, Severus did not respond. He stood still as a statue for a beat, then left the room.</p><p>“I didn’t intend to do that,” Sirius said and rubbed his forehead.</p><p>“You need to learn to control your mouth somet-”</p><p>“I don’t mean what I said.” Sirius flexed his fingers in agitation, not saying anything for a while.</p><p>“Well?”</p><p>“I showed him a memory of you giving me one hell of a blowjob back in our old flat in Camden. I think that’s why when I cast the Protego it triggered a memory of him seeing us in Hogwarts.”</p><p>“You… what?!” </p><p>“Fuck, Remus, I don’t know. It was already on my mind, and when he pointed his wand at me I just pushed it forward. I wanted to show him.”</p><p>The initial shock melted into rage and indignation. Remus clenched his jaw to keep himself from shouting. “Why in Godric’s name would you do that?”</p><p>“I will not walk on eggshells on account of Snape being a homophobic twat!” Sirius exploded. “I’m sick of having to hide. I’ve been doing it my entire life; at home, at Hogwarts, even when we got our own place we still had to pretend.” He kicked the nearest chair, which turned over with a clatter and the rise of decade-old dust. “I spent thirteen years in Azkaban thinking…” Sirius’ voice broke off, and in an instant, all the anger drained away from both of them. Sirius walked to the window and pressed his fist to the glass. Remus felt his chest tightening.</p><p>“I thought I’d die before we ever get to live the life we wanted,” Sirius said finally. “Knowing you thought me a traitor and a murderer.” He took a few shaky breaths and paced slowly back to the centre of the room. “Now I’m stuck in this wretched house hiding once more. I don't want to hold back or cower, I want to live.”</p><p>“I get that,” Remus whispered and swallowed a few times in search of his voice. “I just wish your idea of not walking on eggshells didn’t consist of exposing Severus to the sight of me sucking your cock.” </p><p>“Well, when you put it like that…” Sirius trailed off, his mouth tensing in a familiar way as though it had only just occurred to him what he had done. Remus had to hold back a laugh. He steeled himself.</p><p>“Did you stop to think you were invading my privacy as well? You can’t use me like that to get under his skin.”</p><p>“I…” Sirius’ shoulders slumped. "You’re right. It all happened so fast, I didn’t think it through.”</p><p>“Clearly,” Remus said. “And you are wrong about him. I don’t think he is bothered by the idea of two men being together.”</p><p>Sirius threw his arms up in frustration. “Remus please, surely even you can’t remain blind to the way he’s been acting. He averts his eyes with disgust whenever we so much as let our hands touch. Not to even mention the revulsion that poured from him earlier. He referred to our sex life as <em> vile debauchery</em>, for Circe’s sake!”</p><p>“I thought the same thing initially, but it just doesn’t add up,” Remus argued. “Sure, he acts all squeamish about our sex life, but you can’t blame him for not wanting to hear about it. Do <em> you </em> want to hear about Arthur and Molly's bedroom adventures?" Sirius grimaced in response. "He has never expressed homophobia explicitly, and it’s not like he hasn’t had the opportunity. Have you ever known Severus to hold his tongue when something displeases him? I doubt he has been delicate on account of not insulting us. And now we know that for some reason he kept our secret.” </p><p>Sirius huffed dismissively. “You heard what he said. He had <em> other priorities</em>.”</p><p>“That was a load of tosh and you know it,” Remus replied, keeping his voice calm. “It would have taken him no time or effort to tell the Slytherins about us, and you know better than anyone how kindly most purebloods look upon homosexuality. I don’t know what his reasons were, but I don’t see why we should always assume the worst of him. He even agreed to help you with Occlumency, which he might understandably stop doing after this ambush.”</p><p>Sirius bit his lip and sighed. “I know I shouldn't have done it. I don't know why he gets to me so much.” </p><p>***</p><p>Severus went to bed almost immediately after retreating to his room. He slept poorly, and the tentative light of early dawn made him abandon attempts altogether. By 7 AM he had already taken an indulgent bath, he had organized the cupboard of potion ingredients by alphabetical order, and had started the preparation of a simple healing salve. Once the cauldron was simmering on the fireplace and Severus found himself bereft of tasks to occupy him, thoughts of yesterday’s encounters with Lupin and Black flooded his mind. Trying to block them out any longer was futile. The sooner he allowed himself to process what had happened, the sooner he could let it all go. </p><p>First, the incident at dinner had rattled the truce they had managed to establish in the last couple of weeks. To Severus’ relief, his reaction to the reference of Lupin and Black’s sex life had been read as homophobic. He guessed that this must have prompted Black to play out his little scene during the Occlumency practice in an attempt to retaliate for the perceived slight. In all likelihood, Black had no idea that he’d achieved much more than discomfort Severus. The memory projected by Black had mercilessly teased a deep yearning, which had long been suppressed. It single-handedly confirmed the suspicion that he was likely bisexual, if not gay.</p><p>This idea had first made an appearance in his mind after seeing Lupin and Black kissing in Hogwarts all those years ago. The memory of the two boys had manifested in his dreams for weeks after and had woken him up night after night, sticky, panting and mortified. At the time it had been easy to ascribe the affliction to unruly adolescent hormones. After school, he had had a few brief encounters with women, after which circumstance and perhaps lack of prospects had caused him to give up altogether on the idea of sharing intimacy with anyone. Severus’ voluntarily celibate lifestyle left the question of his sexuality immaterial. Living with Lupin and Black who were so openly affectionate with each other had required him to navigate his mind away from his desires and needs. Yesterday’s events had finally managed to cut through his defences. </p><p>It wasn’t a potential status as a queer man that led Severus to despair now. The wizarding world had mostly changed its stance on homosexuality in the last couple of decades, and Severus couldn’t give a mandrake’s ass about what society thought of him anyway. What had shaken him was the look Lupin had been giving Black, consumed with lust and something intangible and terrifying. <em> Faggotry, </em>Black had called it. Severus had heard this word thrown around in Hogwarts, accompanied by sneers and jeers. In his head, it had implied some abstract thing, ugly and vulgar, but the act shared between Lupin and Black struck Severus as anything but vulgar.</p><p>Lupin’s gaze had been clouded with passion and completely unaware of the world around, and yet fully focused on his lover. The gaze conveyed a simple message: <em> you </em>are my world. It reminded Severus of the look Black had been giving Lupin years ago in a deserted hallway between kisses. Life was playing a cruel joke on Severus, allowing him passing glimpses of something he could never have, so he would know what he was missing and yearn for it hopelessly. That it was Lupin and Black who got to experience this connection and expose him to it was a truly fitting punchline. </p><p>Nausea built up in Severus, and he ran to the bathroom to empty his stomach of morning bile. He rinsed out his mouth and face, then sat on the edge of the bathtub. </p><p>***</p><p>Sirius was lying in bed with his eyes closed and listening to the calming sound of Remus’ light snoring. Nightmares had plagued his sleep and had woken him up several times throughout the night.  He rubbed his fingers over his eyelids to alleviate the burning of fatigue.</p><p>A noise caught his attention and his hands stilled on his face. It seemed that Snape had gone to the bathroom. Sirius relaxed for a moment before he heard a distinct sound of throwing up. He opened his eyes and turned to Remus, who was sleeping undisturbed. If Remus had been awake, he would have known exactly what to do. Sirius considered checking on Snape, then brushed the idea away. Nothing good could possibly happen if he were to show up at the bathroom door now and inquire after Snape’s health. Vulnerability was not a state which Snape liked to show to the world, least of all to Sirius. A quick search of Sirius’ mind confirmed that Snape's Оcclumency barrier was firmly up as usual. </p><p>Sirius lay in bed restlessly for several minutes, straining his ears, and upon hearing another distinct sound of vomiting, he got up abruptly and dressed. As he opened the door and stepped into the hallway, the door to the bathroom opened, and Snape walked out.</p><p>“Good morning,” Sirius said and cringed at the loudness of his voice in the lull of the early morning.</p><p>Snape nodded without looking at him and walked past towards his own bedroom. </p><p>“Are you unwell?” </p><p>Snape stopped in the middle of the hallway and turned to face Sirius.</p><p>Sirius, clearly not done with the suicidal impulses of the day, plunged on awkwardly. “I thought I heard you throwing up.”</p><p>Snape raised an eyebrow as if to ask 'And? What’s it to you?'</p><p>Sirius shook his head and was about to retreat when a loud booming noise came from Snape’s bedroom. Without saying another word both men rushed to the room. Inside, the source of the explosion became readily apparent. A blackened cauldron lay on its side next to the fireplace and the carpet was covered with a slimy green fluid. Snape, visibly irritated, turned to Sirius and opened his mouth to say something undoubtedly scathing, but was interrupted by Remus, who ran into the room with his wand held high in front of his bare chest. He looked between Sirius and Snape in confusion and then noticed the spilt cauldron. Putting two and two together, Remus lowered his wand, suddenly looking embarrassed and twisting his lips into a crooked smile. </p><p>“I’m surprised you didn't recognize this sound. You used to be a master of the exploding cauldron,” Sirius offered cheekily and found himself matching Remus' grin. He looked back to Snape, only to find the potion master’s eyes lingering on Remus again. The moment Remus became aware of the scrutiny he was under, his arms tensed alongside his body and Sirius could tell that it cost him effort not to cover the scars on his chest with his hands.</p><p>Snape’s cheeks were tinted in pink and yet when he spoke his voice came out cool and dismissive. “Don’t let me keep you.”</p><p>Sirius took the few strides that separated him from Remus and placed a hand on his lower back to guide him out of the room. As they were walking out the door,  resentment filled him for a fraction of a second and disappeared so quickly he could have imagined it. He stopped in his tracks and turned around to glare at Snape, but the potion master was busy cleaning the mess up, his back turned to them. It was Remus now who had to grab Sirius’ arm and pull him out of the room.</p><p>“Don’t,” he warned Sirius sharply and continued tugging him towards their bedroom. </p><p>“Don’t what?” Sirius asked but followed Remus grudgingly.</p><p>“There’s no need to start another meaningless confrontation,” Remus said once they were back in their bedroom. </p><p>“It would be meaningless if he wasn’t responding with hate and resentment to everything we do! Since that isn’t the case, I feel pretty justified in starting any number of confrontations with him.” Sirius realized he was shouting and frustration at his volatility layered on top of the anger he was feeling for Snape. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself and sat heavily on the bed.</p><p>“He was throwing up this morning.”</p><p>Remus raised his eyebrows. “What does that have to do with anything?”</p><p>“I went to ask if he was ok and he looked at me like I had drowned his cat or something.” Sirius gripped the bedding between his fingers and twisted it.</p><p>“You know he doesn’t like to show weakness-”</p><p>“I bloody well know that, Remus!” Sirius shouted, his control slipping once more. “I just… I wanted to…” He took to smoothing the wrinkles he had just made on the sheets. “There will never be anything other than hostility between us.” </p><p>Remus sat down next to Sirius and stilled his frantic movements with a firm hand. “Not sure what you expected after the show you sprung on him last night.”</p><p>“I suppose. But then you walked in,” Sirius said, and inspected Remus’ face, his gaze lingering on the full mouth and the kind, intelligent eyes. “He was looking at you, but not the way he usually looks at people with disdain. Definitely not the way he looks at me. It was more like…” he paused and searched for any words that wouldn’t sound childish or unreasonable, “like he wants you,” he finished slowly.  </p><p>Remus erupted in surprised laughter. “Don’t be ridiculous.”</p><p>“You are unable to see yourself past the lycanthropy and the scars,” Sirius retorted, matter-of-fact.</p><p>“You’re not exactly objective when it comes to me either, but I assure you others aren’t as blind to my flaws as you are. May I also remind you, that yesterday you thought him homophobic.”</p><p>Sirius ignored Remus’s first statement, which he would have normally disputed, and pressed on with his argument. “You’re being naïve to think that gay men can’t be homophobic. This isn’t the first time I’ve noticed him looking at you like that. It would explain why he’s so resentful of our relationship.”</p><p>“He’s resentful of our relationship because he’s resentful of us,” Remus reasoned. </p><p>Sirius made a sceptical noise in the back of his throat. </p><p>“Admittedly, he has been unusually withdrawn since yesterday,” Remus said, his forehead creasing with concern. “I first read the increased dropping of his mental shield as a sign he’s getting more comfortable around us. Now it’s beginning to look as if his control is slipping.”</p><p>“I’ve been thinking the same thing. Maybe his Occlumency has become unreliable.” An oppressive silence fell in the room, until Sirius couldn’t stand it anymore and asked the question he was sure was on both of their minds. “Do you think Dumbledore made a mistake by suggesting the bond?”</p><p>“I don’t know, but we should try to find out.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Once again, many thanks to AtheistGoat for the thoughtful feedback.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Following Severus’ words at the Order’s meeting required more effort from Remus than usual. He was staring at a spot on the wall above Kingsley’s shoulder, willing his mind to pay attention rather than to slide into wild speculations about Severus. On his left, Remus could feel the rigidity of Sirius’ posture even with the few inches separating them.</p><p>Several seconds elapsed in silence after Severus was finished talking. Arthur spoke first, wiping his glasses on his shirt. </p><p>“If Malfoy is cosying up to Fudge, we can’t rely on the ministry to keep the prophecy safe.”</p><p>“I can throw an eye on the Department of Mysteries on my way from the courtrooms,” Tonks volunteered hopefully. </p><p>“That’s not enough,” Moody growled, his magical eye spinning wild trajectories. “We will need to take shifts guarding the entrance at all times. We can use my invisibility cloak, although it’s not fully reliable. Potter’s cloak is superior, perhaps we can ask him to give it to us for a bit. James always used to-”</p><p>“Harry may need it in emergencies. I thought our highest priority was to keep him safe.” Sirius leaned forward in his chair, his eyes hard with intent. </p><p>“If Voldemort manages to steal the prophecy, Potter will need far more than a cloak to protect him,” Moody retorted gruffly.</p><p>“Sirius is right.” Everyone’s eyes turned expectantly to Dumbledore. It occurred to Remus that this group of war veterans, himself included, were all still nothing but helpless children looking up to their old headmaster to make things alright. He shook the invasive thought off. </p><p>“Harry should keep his invisibility cloak. I don’t think he will need it as long as he stays in Hogwarts, but one day it might save his life. We can’t afford to lose it.” </p><p>Sirius visibly relaxed at the headmaster’s words and leaned back with an exhale of breath. </p><p>“However, I do think it’s a good idea to keep guard over the prophecy at all times. Your cloak will do Alastor, we can add a few charms to strengthen its concealing properties,” Dumbledore continued. “Arthur, Dora, Kingsley, Sturgis and Bill have the easiest access into the ministry. Would you have the time to take the main bulk of the shifts?”</p><p>All of the people named by Dumbledore nodded. Remus caught Arthur throwing a furtive look at Molly, whose mouth had thinned with worry. </p><p>“I will set up a schedule and send it to all of you by tomorrow. Until then, can any of you keep watch tonight?”</p><p>“I can,” Tonks said, her eyes shining with excitement.</p><p>“Excellent. Alastor will lend you his cloak.” The headmaster rose from his chair and smoothed the sleeves of his cerulean robes. “I will see you all next week.” He bowed his head and left the room. </p><p>Most of the Order left quickly after Dumbledore, each of them rushing to their jobs or to complete the tasks they’d just been given at the meeting. Bill and Mundungus were at the tail of the procession, making their way out of the kitchen deep in conversation. From what Remus could hear, they were organizing a meeting with a group of Egyptian goblins in hopes of creating useful liaisons. Undoubtedly,  Dung’s expansive collection of stolen items was to come into play. Remus got up and walked to the entryway to send everyone off and to silence the screams of Mrs Black’s portrait.</p><p>Upon re-entering the kitchen, Remus found Sirius and Severus staring at each other across the table like cats. He was struck by how similar they looked in that moment, appraising each with dark, unblinking gazes. Remus walked quietly to the table, scared to interrupt whatever battle of wills was being led.</p><p>“We should probably-”</p><p>“Yes, Black already told me that you wanted to talk,” Severus interrupted him impatiently. “Get to it, I have no desire for idle chat.”</p><p>“I should go first,” Sirius said in a hurry. Remus could see him clenching and unclenching his fists underneath the table. “I’m sorry,” he said. Severus narrowed his eyes with suspicion at the unexpected apology. “What I did and said to you yesterday was out of line. I didn't plan it. It just happened spur of the moment, I was angry, I-”</p><p>“You what?” Severus asked harshly. “Thought it would be amusing, did you?”</p><p>“No!” Sirius yelled. His eyes flickered over the room feverishly then stopped on Severus. “I wanted you to get it, to not be repulsed,” he said with vehemence and there was a defensive note in his voice as well.</p><p>Severus seemed to contemplate the sincerity of Sirius’ admission for a moment, stretching the pause into an awkward silence. Finally, he pursed his lips and nodded in acceptance, although the lines around his mouth were curling in contempt. Remus suspected that Snape had accepted the apology only to spare himself from further discussions or in hope that this would stop Sirius from another ambush of a similar nature.</p><p>“Well then.” Remus turned to Severus. “We couldn’t help but notice that your Occlumency has been unstable as of late. Can the bond be having an opposite effect of what Dumbledore was anticipating?”</p><p>Severus' face paled. “Do you honestly think I would risk endangering the Order’s secrets and losing my life if I thought my Occlumency might be compromised around the Dark Lord?” He lifted his chin proudly. “I’ve already reported this to Dumbledore.”</p><p>“You say your shield doesn’t drop around Voldemort,” Sirius said, “and yet we’ve felt it crack quite a few times in the last two weeks.”</p><p>Severus lowered his eyes and his long lashes drew striking lines against his face. “My ability to close my mind to Legilimency attacks has been generally strengthened by the bond. Closing my mind to the bond itself, however, is a different matter.” </p><p>“Why?” Sirius asked.</p><p>Severus met Sirius’ gaze firmly. “I don’t know.” </p><p>Although Remus suspected that Severus was concealing something, he knew that the conversation was over, and they wouldn’t get anything more out of him. </p><p>***</p><p>“I was thinking maybe we can try duelling tonight? I want to test shielding magic,” Lupin offered.</p><p>“I’ll tidy up here. I’ll meet you in the living room when I’m done,” Severus said. He performed a cleaning charm on the mugs and ashtrays leftover from the meeting and started storing them in the cupboard in the muggle way. </p><p>As soon as Severus was left alone in the kitchen, he let his thoughts drift. In the aftermath of the cauldron explosion it had cost him effort to clear his head.  Although Severus had believed Black’s unexpected apology as well as his explanation, he resented that being around them made him question his own needs so fundamentally. Flashes of their latest encounters swirled painfully in his mind again, but he managed to push them away. He held on to the knowledge that soon he would be able to leave this miserable house and its two residents.</p><p>Once the table was cleared, he headed to the hallway. The door of the living room was open as he approached. Black must have said something to annoy or tease Lupin, because at the moment when Severus entered the room, Lupin flicked his wand lazily at his partner and transfigured his shirt into an extravagant pink crop top. </p><p>“Oi!” Black looked outraged for a second, but then glanced down at himself with mock appreciation. “You know what, it’s growing on me already.” </p><p>Lupin laughed. “It’s very fetching indeed, although judging by the look on Severus’ face he’s not quite sold on it.” </p><p>Black looked over his shoulder to the door where Severus was standing. If he was embarrassed to be seen in such attire, he  didn’t show it.</p><p>“Can you transfigure it back?” he addressed Lupin. “I can never get clothes quite right and I wouldn’t want to…” Black slowly ran the back of his hand across the flat of his exposed abdomen, “distract you.”</p><p>Even though Black’s tone was humorous, Lupin’s laughter faded and his eyes traced the motion with interest. The muscles in his throat convulsed. Severus took a deep breath and stilled his mind to make sure his appearance was composed. </p><p>“If you two are done flirting with each other perhaps we can start practising?” </p><p>“Right.” Lupin’s cheeks flushed in an instant and he hurriedly transfigured the top back into a plain blue shirt. It was frankly unnerving how quickly the man’s demeanour could swing from quiet confidence into flustered self-consciousness. </p><p>The started duelling, each of them taking turns to watch the other two. To Lupin’s delight, the Protego shield was not only significantly strengthened by the bond but also lasted longer. Towards the end of the evening, he showed them a slightly different variation of the classic Protego. Lupin had invented it for use against dark creatures like wights, that easily passed through most shielding spells.</p><p>As soon as they wrapped up the practice Severus excused himself and headed to the guest bedroom. Exhaustion had caught up with him after the dismal sleep he’d had the previous night. He could barely keep his eyes open while brushing his teeth, and yet as soon as he was in bed his mind started buzzing with thoughts, each of them more difficult to disregard than the previous one. He tossed and turned for some time, unable to clear his mind. </p><p>Even the smallest exchanges of affection between Lupin and Black got under his skin and he couldn’t help but get frustrated with himself for being affected by such innocuous moments. Then the image of Lupin on his knees with a cock between his full lips flashed beneath Severus’ closed lids. It was easy to imagine, just for a second, that he was the object that Lupin’s eyes were drinking in. He shivered. To his chagrin, the face shifted until it was shaping the fine features of Sirius Black.  </p><p>Severus sat up in panic. His cock was straining against his pyjama bottoms with painful throbs. He searched for a possible escape. The last stock of sleeping draught had gone to Molly Weasley, who had developed insomnia in recent weeks. With a surge of relief, Severus remembered the Pensieve, which Albus had brought earlier. He waited until his erection subsided and slid out of bed.</p><p>Severus made his way down the stairs, trying to remember where he had left the Pensieve. He had moved it before the start of the meeting, fearful of it getting knocked over by the walking disaster that was Tonks. It was likely somewhere in the living room, on a table or a shelf… He stopped in his tracks at the bottom of the staircase, the marble floor stinging frostily against his bare feet. The door of the living room was still open and dim lights were flickering from it. Black and Lupin were talking quietly although he couldn’t quite discern what about. He could go back and try to wrestle his demons or continue forth and face… what exactly? Severus didn’t wish to see Lupin and Black now, but encountering them briefly couldn’t possibly be more heinous than the images his treacherous brain had just procured. </p><p>Severus made the few steps to the entrance and stopped in his tracks again, his heartbeat accelerating. The chandelier was switched off, its cold light replaced by several candles, which hovered above the sofa and softly illuminated the room. Black was lying on his back with his knees spread wide. Lupin was on top, tucked between Black’s thighs. He held a book in one hand, but it was closed with his index finger stuck inside like a bookmark. Although they were both clothed, their position was compromisingly intimate.</p><p>“No, that’s fine, Moony. Be a tease. Once the side effects of the bond have passed, you won’t know what hit you.” </p><p>“Is that supposed to be a threat?”</p><p>Even from a distance, Severus could see a gentle smirk on Lupin’s lips. He was hit by a strong sense of <em> déjà vu</em>. Once again he was watching from the sidelines as these two men were consumed by one another. He felt distinctly out of place.</p><p>“You’re laughing now, but when this is all over I will ride your cock until you black out.” Black accompanied his words with a squeeze of Lupin’s buttocks through thick denim, pulling their hips closer together. Lupin groaned and pressed his forehead against Black's.</p><p>Something inside Severus snapped. He reached out and felt a disturbing tangle of arousal and… affection? Through his blurred vision, he saw Lupin’s eyes screw shut with pleasure, while Black’s widened with shock and found Severus standing at the door. </p><p>***</p><p>Remus gasped for air. He had become familiar with the feeling of Sirius’ lust vibrating through the bond. Now he could feel something different along with it, a bitter desire, which begged to be quenched. He opened his eyes and noticed Sirius staring at the doorway where Severus stood, his face hidden in shadows. Within the blink of an eye  Severus turned on his heels and sped towards the staircase. Remus scrambled to his feet and ran after him. </p><p>“Remus, what...” </p><p>He heard the uncertainty in Sirius’ voice but disregarded it. Taking two steps at a time, he managed to catch up with Severus on the first-floor landing. </p><p>“Don’t go,” Remus pleaded.</p><p>Severus’ eyes were terrifying. Remus struggled for something to say, some reasonable way to explain why this whole thing suddenly made perfect sense, but now that his brain had caught up with his feet, he was stilted with nerves.  </p><p>Before he could overthink, Remus stretched out a hand, palm up. Severus looked at it for a moment, then studied Remus’ face. He placed his palm on top and Remus apparated them downstairs in front of the sofa.</p><p>***</p><p>Sirius struggled to collect his thoughts. What was revealed through the bond this time around was quite different to what they’d glimpsed of Snape’s inner world so far. He drank in the foreign sensation of longing.</p><p>Crack!</p><p>Remus apparated in the room, gripping Snape’s hand. Sirius stood up abruptly and took a few steps towards them. His gaze dropped down to Snape’s bare feet, which were only slightly revealed by the legs of his overlong striped pyjamas. His eyes travelled up to find a noticeable bulge in the fabric where a small wet patch had formed underneath the waistband. A trail of dark hair made its way up the waist and widened at the chest, surrounding dark nipples. Finally, Sirius’ eyes took in the face, where he found two petrol-black eyes watching him with a gleam of madness. Sirius took another step forward until only a few inches were separating them.</p><p>Later on, when analysing the events of the night, he would swear that he’d had no clue what his intentions were, but he still found his fingers buried into Snape’s hair and his teeth – sunk into the man’s lower lip. Somewhere nearby he could hear Remus’ disbelieving laugh, but there was no space for second-guessing now that Severus was returning the kiss with wild fervour. </p><p> ***</p><p>Time stretched slow and viscous like molasses. The bond was entangling their minds chaotically, and none could tell with certainty what belonged to whom.</p><p>Remus gripped the hem of Sirius’ shirt and pulled it over his head. He smoothed his palms against the skin of Sirius’ chest. When he peeked sideways at Severus, the latter was watching them openly and Remus found himself leaning in towards him. Severus closed the gap between them with a violent kiss, which Remus reigned into something slow and sensual that left all three of them aching. He pulled away and took hold of the thick waistband of the pyjama bottoms, throwing Severus a questioning glance, which was answered by a barely perceptible nod. At the sign of consent, Remus lowered to his knees, pulling the pyjamas down along the way and exposing Severus’ hard cock. </p><p>Severus placed a searching hand on Remus’ cheek, trying to ground the vision in reality. He relished the feeling of warm skin and coarse stubble against his fingers. Remus’ eyes smiled and he gave the underside of Severus’ cock a slow, deliberate lick. </p><p>“Fucking hell,” Sirius rasped in a low voice. </p><p>When Remus engulfed the tip of his cock, Severus let out a choked sound. His tongue traced the crisscrossing paths of pulsing veins, his eyes never leaving Severus’. Sirius tangled his fingers into Remus’ hair, eager to see him pull Severus apart, but after one final lick, Remus placed a gentle kiss on the tip and got back up to his feet. </p><p>With a calculated wave of the wand, Remus transfigured the couch into a bed. He stripped his own sweater and jeans off and threw an apprehensive glance at Severus, who extended a hand and dragged his fingers along one of the scars. Remus trapped the hand under his own and squeezed it. He then pushed Sirius on the bed, and peeled the last items of clothing off him. His hands slid up Sirius’ shins to his folded knees and he spread them wide. Entrusting himself to Remus, Sirius leaned on one elbow and looked at Severus, exposed and unabashed.  </p><p>From the corner of his eye, Remus saw the Severus' cock twitch at the view. Severus ached for what they were offering, but hesitated, painfully aware of his lack of experience and his unsightly face. Sensing the uncertainty, Sirius sought out Remus’ eyes for guidance. The latter pulled Severus into another kiss and then onto the bed. He sat him next to Sirius, who moved his hand an inch so that his knuckles were touching Severus’.</p><p>“I’ll get him ready,” Remus said to Severus. He slapped the back of Sirius' thigh with a loud ringing. “On all four,” he commanded firmly and Sirius flipped over on knees and forearms, ass up in the air.</p><p>Remus muttered a few spells under his breath and licked a line from Sirius’ balls all the way up to his ass. He repeated the motion, then flickered his tongue over the rim and Sirius pushed back against him, impossibly turned on by the knowledge that Severus was there, watching. Remus replaced his tongue with one, then two fingers. He pressed a circular motion inside.</p><p>“Enough,” Sirius panted. His face was half-buried in the sheets and his eyes were screwed shut. His cock was hanging heavily between his legs, a thin string of precum leaking from the tip. Remus smiled and slid his fingers out gently. Sirius turned on his back again and met Severus’ eyes with a challenge. </p><p>Lust swelled within Severus at the thought of what that stare demanded. He swapped places with Remus and positioned himself between Sirius’ thighs, which wrapped loosely around his waist. He placed the head of his cock at Sirius’ entrance and penetrated him, probably a bit too quickly judging by the hiss that escaped Sirius. Severus paused to let Sirius adjust and noticed that a few strands of hair were falling into his hooded eyes. He reached out to move them. A moment stretched out between them. Severus ran the flat of his nails along the defined jawline and caressed the velvety shell of the ear with his thumb. For the first time, he allowed himself to appreciate Sirius’ sultry looks. Age suited him well; it brought his appearance down from the pedestal of unreachable perfection to something rugged and earthly. The arrogant beauty, which had annoyed Severus so much in their youth, was now gone. </p><p>As if to disprove Severus’ thoughts, Sirius grinned wickedly at him in a way so very reminiscent of the past and cocked an eyebrow. Severus pulled out almost completely, then thrust back in with a deep swing of his hips. He would have felt triumphant at the way Sirius’ eyes rolled back in his head if his own body hadn’t been completely overwhelmed by the sensation. Somewhere in the vicinity, Remus shivered.</p><p>Severus made a few slow thrusts into Sirius, then established a faster rhythm. Sirius angled himself so that the slide of the Severus' cock was brushing against a spot that wiped out all conscious thought; his body was centred around that point of relentless pressure. He threw his head back and felt Severus’ teeth scrape along his exposed neck and his tongue dip into the hollow of each collarbone. Leaning his whole weight on one arm, Severus snuck the other between them and took hold of Sirius’ cock, spreading precum over the head with a calloused thumb.</p><p>“Fuck, you're-” Sirius’ back arched at the build of heady sensations within and without, and he came abundantly over Severus' hand. The bliss emanated through the bond, coiling deep into Severus and Remus, causing the former to speed up erratically in a desperate search of relief. Remus’ breath hitched in his throat. He had been stroking himself in rhythm with their movements, but stilled, stunned at the sight of Sirius convulsing with pleasure under another man, under Severus.</p><p>“C’mere.” Sirius reached out for Remus, who scooted near clumsily. Sirius pulled him close until he could turn his head and take him between his lips. Severus felt his own cock pulse when Remus thrust into Sirius' mouth, and Sirius' thighs clenched their hot grip around Severus' waist. He clawed at the bedsheets, his body screwing tight in anticipation, and then releasing with a wave of primal exhilaration. His head dropped heavily on Sirius’ chest. Against his cheek, he could feel the drumming of a heartbeat.</p><p>Some seconds later, Remus followed with a few breathy moans and a string of curses. Severus twisted his neck to observe the flutter of eyelids and parting of lips.</p><p>***</p><p>Lupin pulled away and moved down to kiss Black’s mouth.</p><p>The blissful high drained out of Severus quickly, leaving a growing panic in its place, along with the sharp awareness of the sounds of heavy breathing and the thick smell of sweat and sex. He took hold of the base of his cock and slipped out of Black, causing the other man to flinch with discomfort. With quick, mechanical movements Severus got to his feet and cast a cleaning charm to remove the sticky evidence of what had just occurred. He cleared his mind and put a shield against the bond. He reached for his pyjama bottoms. Both men were following him with their eyes, disappointment written all over Lupin’s face, while Black’s expression had shifted to a familiar sullenness.</p><p>“Severus,” Lupin spoke softly, “it doesn’t have to be this way.”</p><p>Black let out a harsh laugh. “Fucking hell. Don’t be such a coward, Snape.”</p><p>Severus ignored them. He spotted the blue light of the Pensive on the cupboard and went to pick it up. When he headed to the door, Black got up from the bed and walked up to him. His face was flushed and his lips swollen; he looked achingly desirable, but his eyes burnt with anger.</p><p>“Does the revelation that you like fucking men scare you? Or is it the knowledge that it was <em> my </em>ass you so thoroughly enjoyed fucking?” </p><p>Severus cast a wandless body-binding curse on the unarmed Black, whose face froze in a look of surprise before he fell to the floor. He heard Lupin's sigh as he sidestepped Black to get out of the room. Severus climbed up the stairs with the Pensieve clutched in his hands. His thoughts were crashing frantically inside his head, impossible to make sense of.</p><p>Upon entering the room, Severus placed the Pensieve on the desk and syphoned out his memories of Lupin and Black in it. He then lay on the bed and as soon as his head relaxed on the pillow, he was asleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>When I posted chapter one my plan was to update on weekly bases, but that hasn't been possible. The last few chapters, in particular, have been quite tricky and required loads of reworking (with the amazing help of AtheistGoat). It seems like a chapter every two-three weeks is more feasible, although who knows, there might be bigger gaps in the future as well. </p><p>On a different note, is it clear what I've tried to do with the POV in this chapter and is it working? This is a learning experience for me so I'm open to criticism.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius felt the curse being lifted off of him. Stiffly, he got up to his feet and fell into a nearby armchair,  then winced with discomfort. He buried his face in his hands. </p><p>“I didn’t know I could hate him any more,” he muttered from under his palms.</p><p>“I don’t know who you’re trying to fool, Pads.” </p><p>Sirius raised his head to glare at Remus. “Do me a favour, please, and don’t act like you know any better than me what just happened.”</p><p>“You’re right.” Remus lifted his shoulders. “I don’t quite understand. I do know we both loved it though, and so did Severus.”</p><p> “Great. I’m glad we’ve got that cleared up.” They sat in silence for a while until Sirius spoke again, his voice strained. “Are you attracted to him?”</p><p>Remus considered the question. “I guess so. I’ve always found Severus intriguing, although I hadn’t really thought of him that way before tonight.” He studied Sirius’ face with a contemplative expression. “Do I even need to ask you the same question? You looked like you wanted to devour him.”</p><p>“When you brought him here all hot and bothered I...” Sirius forced out a laugh. “I could have lived the rest of my life happily without knowing Snape could get me so worked up. What even made you go after him?”</p><p>“It felt like the right thing to do at the time. You don’t regret it, do you?”</p><p>“I don’t know."</p><p>In the gentle candlelight, Remus appeared golden. He was sitting on the edge of the bed with his legs stretched out and crossed elegantly over the ankles. There was something unusually serene about the sight of him completely bare and relaxed, without a trace of his usual self-consciousness.</p><p>“No, I don’t,” Sirius decided. </p><p>“Would you want to do it again?”</p><p>It took Sirius several seconds to grasp the unexpected question. </p><p>“Are you serious? We can’t… we can’t just introduce a third person into our bed willy-nilly because of one night of great fucking. What if it causes problems between us? Say one of us gets jealous, and let’s be honest, it’s more likely that would be me. Not to even mention all the complications it can cause with the Order.”</p><p>Sirius banged his head hard against the back of the armchair. “Merlin, are you listening to this? I’m actually considering the idea of bringing <em> Snape </em> into our sex life.”</p><p>“You also tried to stop him from leaving,” Remus reminded him unhelpfully.</p><p>“That was impulse, I was being childish. Now sense has kicked in.” Sirius shook his head incredulously. “Maybe he did the right thing by clearing off. This can only lead to disaster.”</p><p>“You think that’s why he left? Knowing Severus, he probably convinced himself he’s been toyed with and used, not that I can blame him. This wouldn’t have made any sense before the bond. I guess it still doesn’t.”</p><p>Sirius pulled a loose thread from the armchair and started unravelling it. “And yet you want to do it again.” </p><p>“I want to, yes, although I don’t know if we should. I don’t wish to jeopardize our relationship or hurt Severus, but…” Remus hesitated. Sirius’ heartbeat sped up with uneasy anticipation of the upcoming words. “There’s something between us three, isn’t there? Something feels different.”</p><p>A moth fluttered through the open window and orbited around one of the candles. It flapped its wings over their heads in erratic trajectories, throwing itself at the candles every once in a while, then veering away from the intense heat and light.</p><p>“You’re being presumptuous now. What makes you think Snape gives a shit? Maybe he just wanted a quick shag, no matter with whom,” Sirius suggested, eyes glued to the moth.  </p><p>“He opened up to us.” Remus ran the back of his hand over the crumpled bed sheets. “There are cleaner ways to find sex, even pay for it if needs must.” </p><p>“Why else would he do it then? Unless he really is interested in you, god, the way he looks at you sometimes-” Sirius halted confused, unsure of what he was feeling.</p><p>“I don’t think this is about me.” Remus’ mouth twisted to the side, contorting the crisp scar line that ran from his cheek right down to the edge of his upper lip. “Or, I don’t know, maybe it’s partially about me, but it’s bigger than that. I think when he saw us together he wanted to feel what we were feeling. I wanted to give that to him.” </p><p>Sirius recollected Snape watching them, awe and fear vibrating across the bond.</p><p>“You wanted to give that to him,” he repeated flatly. “I hope you didn’t drag him here out of some misguided desire to make him happy. I hardly think he’d appreciate your pity.”</p><p>“No, I-” Remus looked down at his hands. “It all happened so quickly. When I caught up to him upstairs,” he paused and glanced briefly at Sirius. “I wanted to have him with us.”</p><p>“Right.” Sirius rubbed his eyelids, suddenly hating himself a little. “I wanted him to join us too... and yet it hurts that he’s become a part of something that used to be just ours. Shit, I sound like such a bellend. I don’t know what to think anymore.”</p><p>Remus’ forehead creased. “You know that I-”</p><p>“Remus, I know.” Sirius moved to the bed to kiss Remus lightly on the lips, and settled next to him. The sheets underneath him were damp and still warm. The fabric stuck cloyingly to his skin and he felt an acute awareness that right in this spot, scene of the crime, he’d given himself to Snape, he’d spread open for him and fallen apart under him only to then see Snape look down upon his used up remains with cold disinterest and-</p><p>“He hates me deep in his guts,” Sirius said. “I don’t see us ever getting past that.” </p><p>Remus’ thigh pressed to his, warm and comforting. A hand slid up Sirius’ neck and into his hair, running through the strands soothingly. “You thought you hated him too, but it seems that things have changed.” </p><p>“Things haven’t-” but it was futile, because while Sirius was capable of hiding from himself, he’d never been able to hide from Remus.</p><p>Remus’ face brightened in response. The grip around Sirius’ chest loosened at the sight of that chipped smile, mischievous and sweet; a memento from one of their adventures in the Forbidden Forest. </p><p>“He was definitely into you earlier,” Remus said. “Perhaps the crop top converted him?”</p><p>Sirius grabbed a stray sock and threw it at his partner. </p><p>***</p><p>Severus woke up in the middle of the night from searing pain in his left arm. The Dark Lord had summoned him. He jumped out of bed and dressed. Within a couple of minutes, he was out of the house and apparating to the meeting point in the middle of a forest clearing, brightly lit by the moon. A dozen Death Eaters were already standing in a circle around the Dark Lord, and more were appearing every few seconds. Severus took his place in the circle and stilled his thoughts. After a minute or so of waiting in silence, the Dark Lord spoke.</p><p>“Welcome, Death Eaters.” The high-pitched voice cut sharply through the night. “You probably wonder why I’ve summoned you all at such a time.” A buzz of murmurs travelled through the circle. </p><p>“I have been betrayed,” the Dark Lord said and all sound died out. Severus kept his breathing even, concentrating on the feeling of the cool air on his skin. </p><p>“The Order of the Phoenix has learnt of my desire to procure the prophecy and have placed people to guard it.” The red eyes flashed with wrath as they moved from face to face. “I couldn’t believe it at first. Surely none of my loyal Death Eaters would dare betray me.” A gust of wind rustled the leaves of the nearby trees. The hoot of an owl rang through the clearing. </p><p>“You know who you are. Step forward now, and your death will be quick and painless.”</p><p>Severus was looking straight ahead into the depths of the forest. The smell of wildflowers and earth stuck to his palate, leaving a bitter-sweet taste on his tongue. </p><p>“I see. We will be doing this the hard way.” The Dark Lord narrowed his eyes. “Delwyn Rosier, would you like to tell your master why you gave away his plans?”</p><p>The younger Rosier brother fell to his knees and whispered desperately, “Please, my lord! I never meant to betray you. I was tricked by Shacklebolt!”</p><p>Cruel laughter tore from the Dark Lord. Severus’ skin broke out in goose flesh. “There can be no mercy for traitors, Delwyn. May this be a lesson to you all.” He looked around at the faces of the Death Eaters, his eyes lingering on Severus. </p><p>“Crucio!” </p><p>Rosier’s screams ripped the air as his body convulsed on the ground. Severus couldn’t tell how long this went on for, he felt himself out of step with time. Once the Dark Lord was done, the Death Eaters took turns to cast their own curses on the fallen man. As the dark subsided and the sky tinted with an ashen shade of orange, Rosier’s body turned limp and his painful shrieks died down. With a hiss, the Dark Lord summoned Nagini, who slid smoothly around the torso of the fallen man and sunk her long fangs into the soft flesh of his neck. </p><p>The Dark Lord’s livid eyes turned to Severus again, and he felt a pressure being applied to his mind, prodding and searching maliciously.</p><p>“Severus Snape. One of my most gifted Death Eaters.” He took a few slow steps towards Severus, his voice softening dangerously. “Have you been watching closely tonight? How I would hate to see you suffer the same fate. Perhaps a taste of what it feels like to be in Rosier’s place would be instructional for you.” He turned to Bellatrix. “Bella, would you be kind enough to give Severus a little demonstration?” A few birds escaped from the nearby trees at the sound of Bellatrix’s deranged cackle. </p><p>Some hours later, Severus stumbled through the front door of 12 Grimmauld Place. He thought of Lupin and Black as the floor surged towards him and his world turned black.</p><p>***</p><p>The faint light of daybreak was illuminating the ugly interior of the living room. Remus squinted against it as he critically inspected the area. He wrinkled his nose in disgust when his gaze fell on the chandelier made of seven silver snakes with emeralds for eyes. It would be nice to freshen up the place a bit, tidy the sofa and armchairs, change the curtains. He might even be able to get rid of the chandelier if he was lucky, and it didn’t turn out to be yet another family heirloom that Walburga had glued permanently to the house. Sirius had been keeping himself and his dark mood shut away in Buckbeak’s lair, and it would surely raise his spirits if he were to find the house rid of its Blackness. </p><p>Moreover, a project like that would keep Remus occupied. He had been woken up in the middle of the night by the sounds of Severus running down the stairs and shutting the front door. The potion master had been summoned by Voldemort, Remus had realized blearily through the mist of sleep. His stomach had twisted into a knot and he had turned around to find that his partner was also awake and in a grim mood. Sirius had pushed the covers off with shaking hands, gotten up and left the room without so much as a backwards glance. Remus had considered going after him but could think of nothing to say that wouldn’t make matters worse. To try and comfort Sirius would mean confronting Sirius’ concern for Severus, which would be a dangerous territory at the best of times. He could barely understand his own feelings on the bizarre relationship that had developed between the three of them, let alone guide a volatile Sirius through it.</p><p>In their youth, Sirius had dived headfirst for anything he’d wanted with enviable confidence, sure of himself regardless of the situation. Their relationship, which Remus had secretly coveted for years, wouldn’t have ever come to fruition had it not been for Sirius’ reckless abandon; Remus would have happily settled for Sirius’ friendship. Coming into school, he’d been desperate for acceptance, which often caused him to ignore his best judgement and bite his tongue around the Marauders. When he’d developed a crush on Sirius, he’d quickly learnt to squander that as well. Taking the lead would have meant risking a treasured friendship, and so, Remus let himself be coaxed instead. Often Sirius led him into adventure, sometimes into heaps of trouble and once —  into a loving relationship.</p><p>Nowadays, that side of Sirius was a rare sight. Anxiety bled out of him from the raw patches of skin on his fingers and the crescent moon nail marks on the soft flesh of his palms. Occasionally, fragments of his daring nature flickered through the fog of anxiety, more so when Severus was around. The other night Sirius had dived for the potion master in a thoroughly reassuring way, like he once again knew who he was and what he wanted. Remus felt it was his turn to be brave now, although he wasn’t quite sure what he was braving. </p><p>With a heavy sigh, Remus cast a half-hearted transfiguration spell on the rug. Venomous green shifted into seashell blue, but the work was patchy at best. Severus would undoubtedly scoff at it with a haughty look in his bottomless eyes. The knot in Remus’ stomach squeezed further with anguish. </p><p>Unprecedented though it was for Severus to be summoned in the small hours of the night, it didn’t necessarily mean he was in any more danger than he usually was when on a mission. Remus had to grasp helplessly at the thought that Severus had always been a survivor and try to keep himself busy until news came in. He took a deep breath and flicked his wand again. The remaining green patches on the rug filled in with the soft seashell blue until the colour was almost even. </p><p>Bare seconds later, Remus found himself on his knees, unsure of how he had gotten there. Terror permeated his every fibre and black spots swam into his vision. After a moment of painful confusion, he realized the onslaught was coming from Severus’ end of the bond. With immense effort, he closed his mind, grabbed his wand, which had fallen on the floor, and made his way up the stairs to the attic. He found Sirius leaning against a wall, his face clammy and pale. </p><p>“We need to let Dumbledore know. You’ll have to do it, I can’t… my Patronus…” Sirius slid down the wall. </p><p>Remus sent a brief message to the headmaster and extended a hand to help Sirius stand up. “Let’s go downstairs. He will need us when he returns.”</p><p>“<em>If</em>he returns,” Sirius retorted gruffly but took Remus’ hand nevertheless. They made their way down the stairs and settled in the kitchen. A few hours passed in silence. The ugly golden clock on the wall ticked loudly, marking the passage of time with maddening persistence. Although Remus had managed to dampen the horror emanating through the bond, there was still a dull throbbing in the depths of his mind, which indicated that Severus must still be alive. He couldn’t have cracked either, Remus was sure they would be able to feel it if that were to happen. </p><p>In the late morning, they heard the front door click open, followed by a heavy thud. Within the second, both of them had risen to their feet and were speeding towards the entryway, holding their wands at the ready. Sirius reached the hallway first and almost tripped on the fallen body. He cursed loudly. Severus was lying on the floor motionless. They crouched next to him and turned him on his back. His face was swollen and crusted with dried blood and mud. Relief cooled the heated blood coursing through Remus when he noticed that Severus was breathing. </p><p>They levitated him to the sofa in the living room, where they vanished his clothes and inspected his body meticulously for wounds. While Sirius summoned a blood replenishing potion and tipped it carefully into Severus’ mouth, Remus began cleaning and healing the larger cuts and bruises. Severus stirred and opened his eyes. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Finally, another chapter out. Sorry for the wait. I've been going back again through chapters 1-7 and editing out a lot of filler. If there's anything you've noticed that you feel reads odd or out of place, I'm very open to criticism so feel free to mention in the comments.</p><p>As always many thanks to AtheistGoat!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Upon regaining consciousness, Severus was first greeted by pain. The ache coursing through his entire body was only a ghost of the agony in which Bellatrix had submerged him in the early hours of the morning. The second sensation of which Severus became aware was that of fingers and a wand prodding his chest. With a flash of panic, Severus’ eyelids flitted open. He relaxed upon recognizing Lupin and Black in the blurry figures that were standing over him. Lupin’s eyes were narrowed in concentration and he was muttering something under his breath. Severus lifted his head to have a better look. He felt detached from the body he saw, stripped down to underwear and covered with gashes, bruises and blood. </p><p>Black laid a firm hand on his shoulder to keep him from getting up. “Stay still,” he commanded sharply.</p><p>“How long-” Severus’ voice cracked, his parched throat sore and swollen from exertion. “How long have I been out?”</p><p>“It’s only been a few minutes.”</p><p>“I need water.”</p><p>Black summoned a glass and whispered an Aguamenti into it. He placed a hand at the back of Severus’ head and lifted it gently, putting the rim of the glass to his lips. Severus swallowed thirstily, squeezing his eyes shut at the pain.</p><p>“We’ve contacted Dumbledore already. Has your position been compromised?” Lupin’s voice vibrated with urgency.</p><p>“No. This was powerplay, a warning.”</p><p>Lupin and Black exchanged grim looks. Their worried faces span around Severus’ vision and he drifted out of consciousness again. </p><p>When he woke up for the second time, the room was covered in darkness. A soft woollen blanket was thrown over his body. He looked around and found Black settled into an armchair next to the sofa. Black jumped slightly in his seat upon noticing that he was being watched.</p><p>“You’re awake again,” he said. </p><p>“Well spotted.”</p><p>Black flicked his wand to light up the chandelier and piercing light assaulted Severus’ eyes. He blinked rapidly against it. Once his vision adapted, he noticed the room looked different, although it took him a moment to spot the changes. </p><p>“Whatever happened to the rugs? No longer sentimental about your Slytherin roots?”</p><p>Black snorted. “As opposed to my Slytherin-worshipping past, yeah? No, Remus was, uhm, he was trying to keep busy this morning I guess.”</p><p>“Oh,” Severus said. "Nothing good in the Daily Prophet?"</p><p>“Not for a long while now.” One corner of Black’s mouth twitched as if to shape a smile, but he grimaced instead. Upon closer examination, Severus noticed a small lesion on the man’s lower lip, red and swollen as though he’d bitten at the same spot again and again.</p><p>“We thought someone should stay with you, just in case,” Black said after an awkward pause.</p><p>Severus raised an eyebrow, daring the man to elaborate in what case exactly they felt he might need a nursemaid. </p><p>“None of your physical wounds will leave permanent damage,” Black added carefully, and Severus realized he was being probed. The unspoken implication of the consequences of torture on the mind and spirit nauseated him. </p><p>“I confunded a man and made him let slip parts of the Dark Lord’s plans as a decoy, to protect my identity as a double agent. This morning, I watched that man be tortured to death as a sacrificial lamb on the altar of war.” The words poured out of Severus’ mouth harshly, his eyes never leaving Black’s. “The monstrosities that have been inflicted onto me are nothing compared to the monstrosities I’ve inflicted on others, but now is hardly the time to wallow in pain and trauma. If I am unfortunate enough to survive this war, I will have to deal with it then.”</p><p>A shadow crossed Black’s face. “Surely you-”</p><p>He was interrupted mid-sentence by Lupin, who poked his head round the door. “Dinner’s ready. Will you be able to get up?”</p><p>Severus sat up slowly, ignoring the searing pain in his body. He looked around for his robes and found them folded on the armrest of a chair. </p><p>“Would you hand me my clothes?”  </p><p>Black passed him the robes and left the room in silence, closing the door behind himself. Once Severus was left alone, he closed his eyes and released a shaky exhale. </p><p>***</p><p>The smell of chicken soup was wafting from a thickly steaming pot and filling the kitchen. Sirius watched Remus pour the liquid into three bowls, his mind going in loops over Snape’s words. ‘<em>If I am unfortunate enough to survive the war.</em>’</p><p>“Sirius! I'm talking to you.” </p><p>“What? Sorry, I was-”</p><p>“You were thinking about Severus.” Remus took a seat across from Sirius.</p><p>“Yes.” Sirius shook his head in frustration, trying to chase the thoughts away. “Something he said, really.”</p><p>Before he could elaborate, Snape walked into the kitchen. He sat gingerly on the edge of a chair and pulled a bowl towards himself. Remus and Sirius followed suit.  </p><p>Snape spooned a bit of the soup and lifted it towards his mouth with an infirm hand. A few drops splashed back down into the bowl. He swallowed the remaining liquid with difficulty. After a few more attempts, Snape placed the spoon back on the table. He got up slowly and nodded at Sirius and Remus before heading to the door.</p><p>“Where are you going?” Sirius asked irritably. </p><p>Snape stared at him unblinking. His face was blank, but Sirius could feel something like grief budding in his mind from across the bond. </p><p>“I need to be alone.”</p><p>“You are always alone. Has it occurred to you that maybe that’s not helping? You’ll-” </p><p>“Drop it.” Remus’ eyebrows were locked and his mouth had thinned into a line. </p><p>Snape swayed on his feet and leaned heavily on the backrest of the nearest chair. In a fraction of a second, Sirius and Remus were on either side of him, each of them taking hold of one of the potion master’s arms and placing it over their shoulders. They took him up the stairs to the guest bedroom and laid him on the unmade bed. </p><p>“Do you still want us to leave you?” Remus asked. </p><p>Snape nodded and closed his eyes. “Bring me the Pensieve before you go.”</p><p>Remus held the Pensieve on the pillow next to Snape’s head and helped him syphon a string of memories into it. A pair of livid red eyes glowered at Sirius from the surface of the liquid. Remus placed the pensieve on the desk and pulled the duvet on top of Severus. Sirius extinguished the lights on their way out.</p><p>“I think we should stay close. Go to our room, I’ll bring dinner.” Sirius nodded obediently and moved to their bedroom. Inside, he paced anxious circles around the bed, trying to untangle the sources of his frustration. Twice now he had gotten angry with Snape for leaving. Admittedly, yesterday Sirius had felt hurt. His desire for the potion master had risen unbidden and suffocating, and it had left him feeling raw. In that state, Snape’s rapid desertion had made him feel used and abandoned. It had bruised his ego with rejection and that was not an experience that Sirius was used to.</p><p>Today had been different though. The potion master had made it clear he didn’t value his own life beyond that of a useful pawn. Snape didn’t want to survive the war, and why would he? They’d felt his hopelessness and despair through the bond. Hiding his feelings behind a mask of blank indifference or proud superiority allowed him to face the world and keep moving through it, if only to be a cog in the war machine. Even understanding all that, Sirius was still angered beyond rationality to see how much Snape resisted against the falling of that wretched mask.</p><p>Whatever it was that the three of them had shared last night, it had caused Snape to bare a different part of himself for a brief moment and… Sirius had liked it. Once Snape's mind had caught up though, he’d fled without a second glance. Sirius suspected that tonight the potion master had needed to leave for the same reason: he was scared of what would come out of him in a moment of such fragile vulnerability. </p><p>His train of thought was interrupted by Remus, who walked into the room holding two bowls of soup. He passed one to Sirius and took hold of the other. They ate on foot, their spoons clinking unnervingly into the silence. Once they were finished, Sirius vanished the bowls and turned to Remus. He was unsure of what to say to explain away his behaviour, but Remus merely placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it. Sirius’ heart swelled. </p><p>Most days, he felt inadequate around people. It cost him effort to act human, to be normal; to not explode in fury at the smallest provocation, to not run out of air at the slightest reminder of dementors. Sirius had crawled back into his partner’s life a nervous wreck, a disappointing husk of his former self. Yet Remus seemed grateful to have him back and made him feel valued and understood. Treasured. Remus had lived through the death of his friends, through the presumed betrayal of his lover, through years of solitude and destitution and had somehow come out on the other side with his kindness and patience intact.</p><p>Sirius turned his head and pressed his cheek to the scarred hand that lingered on his shoulder, solid and warm. Remus smiled tiredly for a moment, then his face turned sombre again. </p><p>***</p><p>Dumbledore visited early next morning, while Remus was pouring over the Daily Prophet in the kitchen. Remus folded the newspaper carefully and looked up at the headmaster’s careworn expression.</p><p>“I saw you’ve been demoted from Chief Warlock. I imagine that was Fudge’s doing?”</p><p>Dumbledore pulled a chair and sat gracefully on it, resting his hands on top of each other in his lap. He regarded Remus solemnly over the rims of his glasses.</p><p>“This is not my main concern right now. How is Severus?”</p><p>Remus hesitated. “I wish I could say he’s better, but I don’t know. I checked on him when I woke up this morning. He was asleep.”</p><p>“I’m pleased to hear it. A night of good sleep will help him recover.”</p><p>“Sleep can’t wash away the taint of torture,” Remus replied coldly.</p><p>Dumbledore bowed his head, his glasses sliding down the long nose. “No, it cannot.” He pushed his glasses up and gave Remus a firm look. “I need to talk to him.”</p><p>“Do you have to do this now? I relayed to you yesterday that his position hasn’t been compromised.”</p><p>“I appreciate your concern, but it is essential that I talk to him as soon as possible.” </p><p>Remus sighed and got up. Once he was in front of Severus’ door, he stopped for a moment and listened for any noises, but there were none. He knocked softly three times and waited.</p><p>“Come in.” </p><p>Upon entering, Remus was surprised to find Severus sitting at his desk and writing something down on a piece of parchment. He continued for several seconds, then turned around to see his visitor. </p><p>“How are you feeling?” Remus asked, his eyes roaming over Severus’ face and body for signs of illness. He’d managed to heal most of the cuts and bruises on the potion master’s face, but there was still a gradient of yellows and purples starting around one of his eyes and spreading to his cheekbone; likely caused by dark magic rather than brute force.</p><p>Severus raised an impatient eyebrow. “I’m fine. What is it?”</p><p>“Dumbledore is here. He wants to speak to you.” </p><p>Severus stood up and approached Remus with a stiff step, carefully avoiding contact with him at the doorway. Remus followed him closely down the stairs then waited outside the kitchen door, where he was joined by Sirius minutes later. When Dumbledore called them in, his face was grey and creased like crumpled parchment. Severus was sat across from him, staring indifferently into the murky content of a mug he was holding. The headmaster sent a grim look around the table.</p><p>“I have some news that would affect you all. As you are aware, Remus has been trying to get in touch with werewolf groups in order to recruit them to our side.”</p><p>“To little avail so far,” Remus said wryly.</p><p>“That's about to change. I have managed to trace down Greyback’s position. He remains firmly on Voldemort’s side, of course, but if you infiltrate his group you might be able to convince some of the werewolves to join our side, or at least to stay neutral in the war.”</p><p>“When do I need to go?” Remus asked, his hand slipping on top of Sirius’ knee under the table.</p><p>“As soon as the bond allows it. They move to a new location after every full moon, and you have to expose yourself to them at least a few nights before the transformation, or who knows how the wolves would respond to each other.”</p><p>Sirius squeezed Remus’ hand on his knee and spoke urgently. “I’ll come with you. I can use a disguise, we can say I’m-” </p><p>“You can’t,” Dumbledore’s tone was conclusive, although his eyes were full of sympathy. “Werewolves are highly suspicious of outsiders even at the best of times and your presence there will only increase the chance of Remus getting caught. He needs to go alone.”</p><p>Sirius’ hands balled into fists, making the veins on his forearms stand out angry and blue. “There is no way I’m staying locked up safely in this house while Remus and Snape are risking their lives! I can be of use to the Order.” He stared at Dumbledore with mutiny etched on his face. </p><p>“Lupin and I happen to be in a uniquely advantageous position that allows us to spy on the enemy.” Severus spoke quietly, but his voice commanded attention. “However, there are other ways to make yourself useful to the Order. Yesterday I feared Bellatrix was going to crack my mind open. I felt I could not possibly hold on to my mental faculties any longer, but I succeeded. Being able to use your power saved me, it may well have saved us all.” Sirius looked like he was about to interrupt, but the latter continued forcefully. “When Lupin goes on his mission, you’ll be doing the same for him. You’re of more use to us here than risking your life <em> and soul </em>out there.” </p><p>Remus could have kissed him right then and there. Sirius just leaned his forehead on his palm and closed his eyes. Sensing that the situation had been deescalated, Dumbledore got to his feet. “I have to leave you now. Remus, I’ll get in touch with you tomorrow for more details.” </p><p>Once they heard the front door click closed, Severus said, “Thank you for taking care of me yesterday.”</p><p>Sirius lifted his head and huffed incredulously. “Don’t be a git. Did you think we were going to leave you lying in a pool of your own blood?”</p><p>“I did not.” Severus stared down at his own hands. His sharp features looked unusually mild in the soft morning light sifting through the lace curtains. </p><p>Remus watched them for a moment, once again struck by how similar they were; in their stubbornness, in their bravery and their pride. He took a deep breath.</p><p>“We should talk about what happened the other night.” </p><p>Both men stilled immediately, almost comically, and in the heavy silence, Remus could hear the speeding rhythm of his own heartbeat. Wind eddies twisted the branches of the trees outside of Grimmauld Place, causing the leaves to murmur conspiratorially. The wind carried into the open window and billowed the curtains. </p><p>“Is now really th-” Sirius started weakly, before being interrupted by Severus. </p><p>“There’s nothing to be said.” The potion master’s tone was crisp and final. He finished his drink in a few large gulps, then placed the mug back on the table with a decisive thud. </p><p>“We can’t keep pretending that nothing has changed,” Remus spoke to Severus’ retreating form, but received no reply other than the unwavering sound of footsteps up the staircase. </p><p>Sirius snorted and shook his head. “Nice try, Moony, but some things don’t change.”</p><p>Sirius too scurried out, and Remus was left alone to wonder whether he’d ever get another shot at this. Perhaps he shouldn’t have pushed the boundaries just yet, but they were running out of time. Soon Remus would have to leave. They would scatter, each of them submerged in his own struggles and wading through alone. Wouldn’t it be better for Sirius and Severus if they were to have each other? It didn’t take much introspection to realize that he was being selfish; wanting them to connect for his own peace of mind when maybe neither was ready for it.</p><p>Remus stayed in the kitchen for a while, watching the shadows slither across the room. When the clock indicated eleven, he got up and made his way to the library. He would need to spend some time preparing the logistics of his infiltration; a fake name, a backstory. There was no need to research Greyback —  as a student, Remus had obsessively read every newspaper article clipping in the Hogwarts library archive that mentioned his name. It might be useful to refresh his memory on some of the anti-werewolf legislation; no doubt Greyback used it to fuel his propaganda in the werewolf community. </p><p>When he came back downstairs to prepare lunch, there was a piece of parchment lying on the table. Severus’ cursive was recognizable at a glance.</p><p>
  <em> I am moving back into my chambers in Hogwarts. I will return if the bond requires it. You can find a stock of healing potions in the cabinet of the guest room. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> S. Snape </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks to AtheistGoat for betaing the work &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
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    <p>Rain was falling softly over London, drumming a rhythmless pattern in the background of Sirius’ thoughts. He shifted on the hard wooden chair, struggling to find a comfortable position. Cautiously, he lifted his legs and placed them on the seat of the closest empty chair, causing it to creak loudly and earn an irritated look from Remus over the leather-bound tome in his hands. Sirius shrugged apologetically.</p><p>In the days since Snape’s departure, Remus had dedicated most of his time to reading. Sirius had joined him halfheartedly, even though he knew that Remus didn’t need his help. He’d rather hoped that if he seemed sufficiently occupied Remus would spend less time worrying about him and more time focusing on the task at hand.</p><p>Sirius tried to concentrate on his own book, but his mind kept drifting. He felt an itch to go out and run, howling at the moon. He wanted to chase after danger and fight for his life. He wanted to peel his skin off and burn it. </p><p>With a faint pop, Sirius transformed into Padfoot and jumped off the chair. Remus put the book down and looked at him concerned.</p><p>“Sirius…”</p><p>Padfoot gave a small woof and placed his head on Remus’ knee. Remus’ hands covered the dog’s head, stroking his ears gently.</p><p>“You know I don’t want to leave you here, but it’s only temporary and-”</p><p>Padfoot growled. He bared his teeth for a second, then padded off to the corner where he dropped on the floor and curled into uneasy sleep. </p><p>***</p><p>Beads of sweat were emerging on Severus’ clammy skin despite the coolness of his dungeon quarters. <em> Don’t think about them. </em> He kicked the thick covers off and felt his limbs break into an uncontrollable shiver. The pull of the bond was gradually cutting through the pain killers he had taken less than a few hours ago. <em> Do not think about them. </em> Severus got out of bed stiffly and hobbled to the bathroom to splash his face with water. He leaned his weight on the sink and stared at the droplets running down the drain. </p><p>No point stalling the inevitable. He threw a fresh pair of robes on and made his way out into the pitch darkness of the night. Upon exiting the castle gates, he turned on the spot and apparated in front of 12 Grimmauld Place. The pain instantly eased away. He was sure Lupin and Black must have realized that he was back even before hearing him sneak up the stairs, but they didn’t come to bother him and for that he was grateful. </p><p>He didn’t take the time to undress. The bed greeted him with sweet comfort, and he fell into a deep sleep.</p><p>***</p><p>“I just wish we could-" Remus paused, his mouth freezing midsentence.</p><p>The absence of pain came so abruptly that it felt like a surge of pleasure to Sirius. He saw the feeling reflected in Remus’ face. They lied still in bed and listened. Within seconds, the front door opened with a click. The whine of old floorboards grinding against each other carried up the stairs until it reached the third-floor landing. Silence.</p><p>“This should make things easier.” In the pale light of the moon, Sirius could see Remus’ lashes landing softly on his cheek. </p><p>“Yeah, sure.”</p><p>“I’m trying to make the best of the situation. You can stay awake if you please.” </p><p>Remus turned away and his breathing slowly evened out. Sirius stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours, listening out for any further noises. The knowledge that Snape was nearby unsettled him. He thought of Snape lying in the darkness, brooding. Or perhaps he wasn’t lying? His imagination conjured a clear vision of dour Snape hanging batlike, upside-down from the ceiling. Or perhaps he wasn’t brooding? He saw Snape sitting up in his bed, reading calmly at the light of a Lumos. One image after another flew through his head unbidden, but not unpleasant. Sodding Snape and his propensity to be everywhere. Then again, Sirius reasoned dismally with himself, he wasn’t <em> everywhere, </em>so much as he was in Sirius’ head. He wanted to hate himself for it, but couldn’t. </p><p>Eventually, his body surrendered to sleep.  </p><p>***</p><p>When Remus woke up, he was alone in the room. The morning had rolled around grey and hostile and had robbed the bed of its cosy shared warmth. He dressed quickly and went to the kitchen.  A rush of relief travelled down his body when he saw that Severus was sitting at the table, writing down something in a small leather notebook. Sirius was staring him down from across the room. </p><p>“Oh, good. Nice of you to finally show up,” Severus spoke with almost distracted derision, continuing to write into his notebook all the while. “Black’s been gaping at me for ten minutes now and, frankly, I worry he may have gone feeble-minded.” </p><p>Sirius rolled his eyes.</p><p>“I’m glad to see you’re still here,” Remus said to Severus, who finally closed the notebook, placing his elegant fingers on the leather. “We need to plan a few things before I leave.”</p><p>“Indeed.”</p><p>Remus looked for some hint of sarcasm into the black depths of Severus’ eyes, but accepted the futility of the task and continued. “It took almost five days for the pain to kick in this time. You’ll need to come at least twice more before I leave for Greyback’s camp.” </p><p>Severus primly tucked a loose strand of hair behind his ear and nodded. “That is if the side effects are to wear off within a month, as the book suggested. There is always the possibility that they’ll last longer, in which case your plan would be sabotaged.”</p><p>Remus shifted from one foot to the other and stared helplessly at the metallic hues of the clouds gathering over London. “Hopefully it won’t come to that.”</p><p>***</p><p>The first thing that greeted Severus upon his return to the headquarters several days later was the sound of raised voices coming from the living room. He hung his cloak on a coat rack, took his muddy boots off and only then became aware of the acrid smell of something burning. A Lumos revealed thick grey smoke billowing from the kitchen and filling the bleak hallway.</p><p>“-such a stupid risk, Remus! I can’t believe I have to be the reasonable one here...”</p><p>Severus ignored the unfolding quarrel and rushed towards the smell. When he reached the kitchen, the smoke was so dense it stung the eyes. He extinguished the fuming oven and took out a tray with something charred that may once have been a meatloaf. He threw the window open wide and cast cleaning and air-freshening charms. As he headed back towards the living room, he could make out Black and Lupin’s heated argument once more.</p><p>“-and it would put me in the most advantageous situation!” </p><p>It unnerved Severus to hear Lupin’s placid voice distorted into an angry shout.</p><p>“If you call being dead an advantageous situation then I certainly agree!”</p><p>“It’s worth considering at least. I’d be putting my life in danger anyway, might as well make the most of it.”</p><p>“BUT THIS IS COMPLETELY RECKLESS AND I-”</p><p>When Severus entered the living room two rageful pairs of eyes turned wildly to him. He took in the two men standing at a distance from each other. Black’s eyebrows were drawn together. Even in the brief pause, his body was still animated; his feet were shifting on the floor, his muscles were tensing and relaxing in fractions of a second, his fisted hands shook with agitation by his sides. Lupin was the very contrast of Black, rigid and unmoving from the planted shoes to the stern face.  Severus straightened his back and glared at each man in turn. </p><p>“What is this nonsense?”</p><p>They exchanged a long look which communicated something that was lost on Severus. Black was the first to break the silence. </p><p>“Remus wants to assume the personality of Henry Meadows,” he waved his hand frantically in the air as if to brush the idea away, “the werewolf that was announced missing several years ago.” </p><p>Severus considered the idea for a moment. Henry Meadows had been sought by the ministry for attacking an old muggle lady after escaping his confines on a full moon. He had disappeared shortly after the accident and hadn’t been sighted since. </p><p>Lupin turned fiercely to Severus. “It can work! No one knew of his lycanthropy until the accident and Dumbledore thinks he died soon after becoming a fugitive, so it’s unlikely that Greyback or any of his pack knew him personally. At the same time, his story makes it believable enough that he could have turned embittered with the ministry for its piss poor legislation on werewolves and decided to run off and give in to the darkness of our condition.” With the last few words, the warm velvet of Lupin’s voice cooled down unpleasantly. The hair on Severus’ neck rose. Lupin’s eyes were blazing and his mouth was firmly set. </p><p>“But this is all under the assumption that none of the werewolves there have actually met him. If they realize you’re lying, they might kill you on the spot or, who knows,” Black’s voice cracked at the last word and he paused to take a few breaths, “maybe they’ll torture you first.” He ran his fingers through his hair and rolled them into a fist among the strands. </p><p>The creases on Lupin's forehead deepened with frustration. “If I give myself a made-up name they might never come to trust me, which makes the whole endeavour pointless. If I go by my real name they'll likely kill me on the spot.”</p><p>“Then don't go!” Black looked up to the ceiling, then sharply wiped his eyes. “It's a suicide mission.”</p><p>"Sirius…" Lupin’s voice softened. He took a few tentative steps forward and reached out to touch his partner, who moved just out of reach. The reconciliatory hand fell limply down. Severus stared at Black's shattered face and wondered numbly how the man would feel if Remus Lupin was to die. Something clenched painfully inside him. It briefly occurred to Severus that his own feelings at the prospect were not what he would have expected them to be, but it was no time to open that can of worms. He cleared his mind when Lupin turned to him once more.</p><p>“We're not too dissimilar, Henry and I. Look.” He summoned a newspaper cutting from upstairs, unfolded it carefully and passed it to Severus. </p><p>It depicted a man and a woman in their early twenties, holding hands and smiling at each other. The man was of average height and build, with dark blond hair and an utterly unremarkable face. Severus looked up from the photo to Lupin’s features: the mouth was generously rounded, the nose was delicately sculpted and the eyes - large and warm. He would have resembled an ancient monument to feminine beauty if not for the numerous scars splitting his skin and the deceptively broad shoulders hidden underneath his oversized clothes. Although he wasn’t necessarily handsome, the dichotomy was peculiarly compelling; teetering between gentle and savage, just like the man himself. Severus tore his gaze away from Lupin and directed it back to Henry’s face.</p><p>“I fail to see what you two have in common, except perhaps the hair,” Severus concluded flatly and handed the clipping back to Lupin. “I hope you have a better plan than just showing up like this.”</p><p>“You have to give me a bit more credit than that.” Lupin pointed his wand at himself, eyes narrowing in concentration. Slowly, the lips thinned, the nose widened and a thick beard grew to cover most of his face. With a final flick of the wrist, the chip in his tooth filled in. “What do you think?”</p><p>“I have got to admit this is pretty convincing,” Severus mused after inspecting the small modifications that cumulatively disguised him so well. </p><p>“You should have seen my first attempts. I looked like Elphias Doge.” Lupin ran his fingers through the thick facial hair. "Sirius thinks they might use Veritaserum or charm revealing potions. I think that's unlikely given how primitively they’re forced to live unless Voldemort is supplying Greyback. Have you heard anything?"</p><p>Severus shook his head. “I make all the potions for the Dark Lord and have not been requested to brew anything for charm revealing yet. They might have Veritaserum though.” A chilly draught drifted from the kitchen and spread goosebumps along Severus’ skin. He rubbed his arms absentmindedly for a moment, then remembered why he had opened the window in the first place.</p><p>“While you two were busy rowing with each other, I had to stop the house from burning down.” Both men looked at him puzzled. “I imagine that was your doing, Lupin? Your cooking is not much better than your potion work.”</p><p>“Bugger!” Lupin dashed to the door. Severus followed along with Black. </p><p>“Did it look edible?” Black asked wearily. </p><p>“That’s debatable. I wouldn’t eat it if you paid me, but for a pair of canines it might well be a treat,” Severus said, which extorted a reluctant laugh out of Black as they entered the kitchen. </p><p>“It’s a consolation to know that whatever else is happening in the world, you being a bastard is reliably a constant.” Black’s voice did not sound as tight anymore, although his posture was still rigid with tension.</p><p>Some weeks ago Severus would have been deeply irritated if not angered by this comment, but it held no sting now. He lifted a shoulder absentmindedly and relaxed into a chair while Lupin fussed around the burnt meal. </p><p>"Uhm, excuse me, I'm baiting you here." Black waved his hands theatrically to attract attention. Severus bit the inside of his cheek to conceal his amusement.</p><p>“I’m afraid it’s not salvageable,” Lupin said, not paying attention to their exchange. He gave the blackened lump of meat one final prod and deflated in disappointment. “I’m starving.”</p><p>“You’re always starving,” Black said and got up to rummage through one of the cupboards. He dug out an envelope-sized blue packet. The colourful font read <em>Mrs. Steadwax’s Ready Made Roast Lamb</em>. “Kingsley brought it a few days ago from his trip to New Zealand.”</p><p>Lupin’s eyes brightened. “Have I ever told you that I love you?” </p><p>A dull ache bloomed in Severus’ chest.</p><p>“Oh, you do? That’s the first I hear of it.” Black turned the packet around in his hands looking for instructions, smiling slightly. It was that easy for them. “If you love me then please take that charm off your face, it’s hardly an improvement.” </p><p>A quick flick of the wrist and Lupin’s features reappeared on his face. “Luckily, my mission doesn’t require me to turn heads. Unless you reckon seducing Greyback would help the cause?” </p><p>Black snorted mirthlessly but didn’t respond. He placed the meal on the table and tapped it with his wand three times. A platter of roast potatoes and lamb with mint sauce materialized, steaming rich and savoury aromas. </p><p>Lupin turned to Severus. “Have you dined already? There seems to be enough food for three if you’d care to join us.” </p><p>Severus nodded curtly; stupid, desperate desire to bask in warmth that was meant for someone else. He focused his attention on the pleasant smells and started piling food on his plate. Several minutes passed with only vigorous clanking of cutlery accompanying the silence. Once he finished his plate, Severus leaned back and contemplated for some time before turning to Lupin.</p><p>“There is an antidote I can make for you against truth potion.”</p><p>Lupin’s fork froze in the midst of bringing a piece of lamb to his mouth. He gaped. “Against Veritaserum? I didn’t know that was possible, I-” Excitement fell from his voice as quickly as it had appeared. “What’s the catch? Is dark magic involved? Do I have to sacrifice my firstborn to the Slytherin monster?”</p><p>“Keep up Moony, the Slytherin monster is dead,” Black said between bites of potato. “Maybe you have to go to a Celestina Warbeck concert or listen to Arthur talk about tevelision all evening.”</p><p>“It’s called television, you great tit,” said Severus. “And it’s nothing like that, I assure you. The potion is of my invention. I will bring some next time I come over.”</p><p>A smile blossomed on Lupin’s face and Severus felt that odd clench in his guts again. “Thank you.” Lupin reached out and touched Severus’ upper arm briefly, then pulled away. “Things are not looking as bad now, are they?” Lupin said to Black. </p><p>“I guess.” Black sighed and put his cutlery down. “I am proud of you for doing this, I hope you realize that. I just can’t bear the thought of losing you again.” </p><p>“You won’t. I’m taking precautions. You know I’ve always been diligent with my homework.” </p><p>“Listen, your preparation is excellent. I’m more concerned about you trying to act straight for months at a time, seeing as you’re bent as a nine-bob note.”</p><p>A wave of fear rose and swept away the tender desires that had been cautiously sprouting throughout the evening. Had they known all along what he was? Had they known of his interest before he even knew? They must have seen he despaired for the closeness they had. They had taken advantage of his weakness, they had probably laughed about him later, they-</p><p>“You can tell if someon-” Severus bit his tongue halfway through the question upon realizing that he had entered a territory where Lupin and Black had the upper hand. They stared at him blankly. </p><p>“Are you worried that we might crack the code when it comes to you, Snape?” Black tipped his head to one side and smiled with faux-sweetness. “I’m afraid that train left the station the night we shagged.”</p><p>“Fuck off!” Severus growled back, feeling shame and indignation heat his cheeks. </p><p>The smile dropped from Black’s face. He stared at his plate drearily. “It was just a joke. I didn’t mean to upset you.” </p><p>The wave rose higher, threatening to drown Severus. <em> Breathe in. </em> He didn’t trust Black’s words and yet they made him feel foolish and irrational for losing his temper. <em> Breathe out. </em>Fuck.</p><p>***</p><p>The air around the table was hostile, yet Remus felt it a victory, no, a miracle that Severus hadn’t left yet. Still, he was at a loss. How could they convince him that he didn’t have to be constantly on edge with them? How could they prove that they weren’t trying to hurt, mock or belittle him? Despite the progress they’d made in the last few weeks they kept circling back to remnants of their ugly shared past when Severus had been right to mistrust them and they — him.</p><p>“Whatever it is that’s bothering you right now,” Remus started cautiously after a few moments of silence, “it might become easier if we talk about it.”</p><p>“I’d kill for a fag,” Sirius said quickly upon seeing Severus’ face curdle. He got up and stuck his head out of the window into the crisp night air.</p><p>“What makes you think I would want to talk to you?” Severus asked. “It was bad enough having to expose myself through the bond.”</p><p>Sirius closed the window with a creak. He returned to his seat, eyes downcast. “All the more reason. The circumstances around the bond are messed up. Being mentally tied down like that to someone when you don’t want it is <em> messed up </em>.” He placed his hands on the table. “But it’s done now. There’s little point in pretending. At least if we talk, you get to control your own narrative, rather than have us misinterpreting what we’ve felt through the bond.”</p><p>Remus recognized the effort it cost Sirius to keep himself still at this moment, as he was bracing himself for inevitable rejection.</p><p>Severus regarded Sirius’ hands, his jaw visibly clenching. He lifted hooded eyes to Sirius’ face. “What happened that night was a mistake. Soon enough the bond effects will die down and we’ll never have to think of it again.” His tone held a cold finality.</p><p>“Of course.” Sirius smiled ruefully and moved his hands out of view into his lap. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Happy new year! Hope you all have a lovely 2021 :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius stepped out of the bathtub and wrapped a towel around his waist. While he was brushing his teeth, the fog in the mirror gradually cleared out to reveal his tired face, covered in salt and pepper stubble. His hair had grown a few inches since he’d buzzed it off several months ago to rid himself of fleas. Several strands at the front somehow persistently found their way into his eyes. He pushed them to the side and watched with annoyance as they fell back in place. He would have to ask Remus to give him a haircut before he leaves. One day left to go. </p><p>“Cheer up darling, it’s not the end of the world,” the mirror chided in response to his pained expression. Sirius rolled his eyes and stalked out of the room.</p><p>In the bedroom he was greeted by the sight of Remus lying naked on his back, hands laced under his head. </p><p>“Oh,” Sirius said softly.</p><p>Remus turned to him with a smile. “I was worried you’d drowned in the bath. I would have come to rescue you if you hadn’t shown up in another couple of minutes.”</p><p>“I wouldn’t have minded.” Sirius unwrapped the towel and sent it flying towards the laundry basket.  He sat on the edge of the bed, watching transfixed as Remus crawled towards him. “I thought… what with Snape…” </p><p>“That’s been taken care of, at least for tonight.” Remus cupped his face with one hand and leaned in to kiss him. </p><p>“I love it when you get up to no good,” Sirius murmured against Remus’ lips and tumbled them over until he was straddling Remus’ thighs. </p><p>Joyous laughter pealed from Remus. He pulled Sirius down until their bodies were flush together, driven in motion by frenzied touches, lost in the delirium of pent up anticipation. Gradually, they slowed down into a more controlled rhythm, falling into the familiarity of each other’s bodies. Sirius nipped and licked at the inner side of Remus’ thighs. He circled up to his hips and abdomen, mercilessly avoiding the swollen cock until Remus gripped Sirius’ hair at the nape of his neck and looked at him imploringly. Sirius grinned and finally lowered his head to take him into his mouth. Later on, he turned Remus over and fucked him face down into the mattress until their limbs turned boneless. </p><p>“Thank you for arranging this,” Sirius said when they finally moved apart. “Although I can’t imagine how the hell you managed. Did you knock Snape out?”</p><p>“I asked him, it’s not dark magic.”</p><p>“And he agreed? What do you call that if not dark magic?”</p><p>“It’s our last chance, I didn’t want to second guess it too much.” </p><p><em> Last chance. </em>In the drunken state of kissing Remus, he’d briefly forgotten. Last chance, last time, last everything maybe. </p><p>His anguish must have shown on his face because Remus pulled him onto his lap and held him tight. </p><p>“I meant before I leave, not… ever.” </p><p>Sirius buried his face in the crook of Remus’ neck, relishing the feeling of soft skin against his lips and the faint smell of soap and comfort. They stayed coiled around each other for a while, Sirius couldn’t tell how long. Chests and groins pressed together, warm, hot, burning, until desire took over again. Remus’ hands drifted from his back to his waist. A shiver ran down Sirius’ body. He shifted into a sitting position and leaned on Remus’ shoulders until their faces were just a few inches away, close enough to feel the breath of Remus’ whispered incantations. </p><p>When Sirius slid onto Remus’ cock, he felt nails digging painfully into the flesh of his ass. He moved slowly, his gaze never leaving Remus’, who had that darkly enraptured, almost animalistic look on his face that got under Sirius’ skin like nothing else. </p><p>“You are the most-” he gasped when Remus thrust up to meet him at an angle that turned his spine into liquid, “god-”, Remus thrust up again, “the most beautiful-”</p><p>“Shut up,” Remus cut him off hoarsely and thrust up again and again and again until Sirius cried out. Remus joined him a minute later, his lower lip caught between his teeth. </p><p>“One of these days I’ll make you believe me when I say you are the most beautiful man that’s ever existed,” Sirius said sometime after they’d cleaned up and were facing each other under the blankets.</p><p>“You’re an idiot,” Remus replied fondly and pulled him close once more.</p><p>***</p><p>A knife was thudding mechanically against the chopping board while Severus rummaged the cupboards for acromantula venom. When he finally brought the vial to his work station, the water was already bubbling in the cauldron. He lowered the temperature of the fire until the liquid calmed to a gentle simmer. With a swish of the wand, he lifted the chopped asphodel stems and placed them carefully into the water, which hissed and darkened. As he reached for the bottle of venom, his eyes lingered on the small piece of parchment that had lain on one side of his desk since yesterday. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Dear Severus,  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I’m owling to ask you a favour. I was wondering if you could ensure that your mind is closed tonight after 9 pm? Let me know if it’s possible.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hope you’re well, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Remus </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Severus tore his eyes away from Lupin’s messy scrawl. He poured two small drops of the venom into the cauldron, then placed the glass stop carefully into the neck of the bottle. A metal rod levitated from the desk and dipped into the liquid, stirring it three times clockwise, then three times counter-clockwise. With each three stirs the colour changed from dark green to violet to yellow to pink…</p><p>It was glaringly obvious why Lupin had owled him yesterday. A couple of weeks ago Black had implied that the two of them hadn’t been intimate because of Severus, likely to avoid what had happened the very first morning after the bonding rituals. Since Lupin was leaving tomorrow they probably wanted to have one final night together. He had considered ignoring the letter, but then remembered the way Black’s face had twisted when he had talked about losing Lupin. Before he could change his mind, Severus had scribbled a single word and his signature on the back of a used piece of parchment and had attached it to the owl’s extended leg. </p><p>The liquid turned black. Severus levitated the metal rod out of it and laid it back on the desk. A pinch of ground gryphon nail, bulbadox juice and finely diced knotgrass at the precise times followed by a whispered incantation of his own device. Then the potion needed to rest for a few minutes to let the knotgrass counteract the babbling effect that the gryphon nail was known to produce. Severus’ eyes slid to the parchment again. He grabbed it, balled it up and threw it in the fire. It crumpled and smoked until nothing was left. </p><p>He didn’t want to wonder about what they had said and done to each other, nor how it had made them feel. Although closing his mind to the bond was not an issue now that the side effects had almost entirely faded, last night he had taken a double dose of dreamless sleep draught to knock himself out until the morning. Now he found his mind spiralling towards the inevitable; banishing these thoughts to a dusty corner of his mind could only last so long.</p><p>The steam above the liquid thickened. Fat bubbles were rising to the surface and popping menacingly. Severus took the silver knife and held his open palm above the cauldron. A sharp strike against the flesh; his blood spilt dark red into the potion.</p><p>***</p><p>After checking his backpack one final time, Remus turned to Sirius who was sitting on his usual spot on the window sill. Remus neared him and cautiously placed a hand on his shoulder. Sirius startled, but steadied himself quickly and plastered a smile on his face. </p><p>“I’m packed. Bed?”</p><p>Sirius nodded but before he’d even managed to get up, a knock rattled the door. </p><p>“Is that…” </p><p>“Come in,” Remus said. Severus entered with a brusque step. He hesitated for a moment before closing the door. </p><p>“You didn’t need to come tonight. We’ve barely felt any pull from the bond,” Sirius stated matter-of-factly and brought his index finger to his mouth to chew on the frazzled edge. </p><p>“I finished the Veritaserum antidote.” Severus reached into the inside of his robe and pulled out a miniature crystal flask that kept only several drops of a ruby red liquid. “Or would you rather I kept that to myself?” </p><p>“Incredible! You’re a lifesaver,” Remus said earnestly and approached Severus to collect it. “I thought maybe you hadn’t had the time, but-”</p><p>“Not so fast.” Severus put the flask back in his pocket and took out a larger bottle with clear contents. “We need to test it first.”</p><p>Sirius shot up from his seat and neared them, looking uneasily at the watery potion. </p><p>“Is it really necessary?”</p><p>“Yes, it is,” Severus said frostily. “This potion is weaved with the brewer’s intent in its very foundation. Each batch works differently. Your ability to lie or dodge a question would be directly tied to my ability to trust you.” He outstretched his hand to pass the Veritaserum. His gaze held a challenge. “Three drops are enough.”</p><p>“That's ingenious,” Remus said.</p><p>“It’s a doomed concept more like.” Exasperation coloured Sirius’ voice.</p><p>Remus ignored him. He took the bottle and tipped three drops into his mouth. Sirius shook his head and sat on the bed, waiting for the potion to kick in. </p><p>Something heavy and soft settled in Remus' chest, like a woollen blanket.</p><p>“State your name.” </p><p>The potion tugged at Remus’ mind and his mouth worked on its own accord. “Remus John Lupin.”</p><p>“What is your date of birth?”</p><p>“10th of March, 1960.” </p><p>Severus gave him a calculating look and Remus instinctively knew what was coming.</p><p>“Were you and Black conspiring to take me to bed?”</p><p>“No,” he replied, resigned to Severus’ mistrustful behaviour. </p><p>Unbridled laughter escaped Sirius. “Could you be any more Slytherin?”</p><p>“I could.”</p><p>“Really? Because I think Salazar himself would have been impressed with that stunt.”</p><p>Severus continued his interrogation unmoved. “Did you know or suspect that I might be interested in engaging in a liaison with you?" </p><p>“No.” Remus wondered vaguely when this would be over, if any amount of questioning could ever satisfy Severus’ suspicious nature.</p><p>“Merlin, a liaison? Are you hearing yourself?” Sirius got up again and paced the room wildly. “Let me spare you the trouble. No, this wasn't some great scheme to humiliate you. Yes, we are just as puzzled as you are.” He stopped in the middle of the room, arms raised defensively. “Honestly, I suspected you might be attracted to Remus, which is totally understandable by the way, but I never in my wildest dreams thought something like <em> that </em> could happen.”</p><p>Remus watched Severus' face flicker between anger and embarrassment.</p><p>“So, the other night when you said you don't want to have this conversation,” Sirius continued his rant, gaining speed in his frustration, “what you actually meant was that you don’t want to have this conversation without being able to force our hand.”</p><p>Severus glowered at him. “I happened to change my mind.”</p><p>“And this is how you decided to proceed? With Veritaserum?” Sirius crossed his arms. Remus thought he could hear a note of amusement in his tone.</p><p>“I told you the antidote requires my trust! Any reservations I have about him can sabotage its function,” Severus snarled.</p><p>“Ha! That’s very convenient.” Sirius strode towards Severus until there were no more than a couple of feet separating them, then veered sharply away to continue pacing around the room just as Severus’ hand clenched around his wand. “You could have warned us that this is what you wanted to ask, but you chose to spring it on Remus without asking his consent or anything.”</p><p>“That night Lupin dragged me back into a situation I'd already tried to flee!” Severus shouted back. Guilt and confusion spasmed through Remus. “How is that for consent? And what about you <em> kissing </em>me?” </p><p>Sirius froze in place. “Maybe I shouldn’t have done that.” </p><p>A look of displeasure settled in Severus’ eyes and in the lines around his mouth. Remus’ skin prickled with unease at the unfolding conflict. </p><p>“Can I have the antidote now?” he blurted out.</p><p>Severus blanked his features. He rummaged inside his robe to get three of the red bottles out. </p><p>“Put the whole thing in your mouth, the glass melts. The other two are for the trip.” </p><p>Remus picked up one of the minuscule flasks and inspected it carefully. It was less than an inch in length and about a quarter of an inch in diameter. It felt cold and smooth under the pad of his thumb, very much like real glass. He popped it into his mouth, then pocketed the other two. The container melted immediately on his tongue, covering it with an unpleasant metallic taste. He swallowed quickly to get rid of the invasive sensation and cleared his throat.</p><p>“Ask me something.”</p><p>“What’s your name?” </p><p>“Henry Meadows,” Remus replied confidently. If what Severus had said about the antidote was at all true, this meant…</p><p>“Now you trust me?” </p><p>Severus sniffed. “Only slightly further than I can throw you, but it should do.” He straightened his robes and headed to the exit.</p><p>“Is it really so hard to believe that we had sex with you because we wanted to?” Sirius spat out desperately. Severus stopped in his tracks and spun around.</p><p>“Yes!” He stalked back furiously until he was right in front of them again. “It defies belief since it's you,” he pointed his index finger at Remus, “and especially you!” he jerked his finger to point at Sirius, who flinched. “I'm a greasy, ugly git, remember?”</p><p>“You're not,” Sirius denied instantly. “An ugly git I mean,” he added.</p><p>“Changed your mind, have you?”</p><p>“Yes, I have. You’re alright,” he said, gaze darting to Remus. He was carrying out a precarious act; one wrong move, one wrong word could end it all for good, but Remus felt he shouldn’t intervene. </p><p>“Surely you felt some of that through the bond?” Sirius continued after a small pause. “That night, I mean. When we… when you…,” his hands flailed through the air in helpless search of the right words. “I wanted it so much,” was what he settled on finally. Severus seemed taken aback at this. It was a clumsy admission, devoid of the confidence and grace with which Sirius used to wrap people around his finger back in the day. Remus suspected this was the reason Severus didn’t argue or flee.</p><p>“You're mad,” Sirius said and stuffed his hands in his pockets, likely to anchor himself, “but lately just thinking about you gets me all worked up.”</p><p>“It’s all making sense now,” Remus chimed in lightly, trying to loosen his own bundled nerves. “Like attracting like and all that.”</p><p>“Don't act as though you’re above it,” Sirius said.</p><p>“I’m not.” Remus turned to Severus with an open expression, allowing himself to be studied. “I brought you back downstairs that night because it felt right. I was drawn to you. And I could tell that you felt the same way at the time.”</p><p>“That’s an interesting presumption,” came Severus’ flat reply. </p><p>“Is it?” Remus asked. “Despite your protestations, I didn’t ‘drag you’ anywhere. I gave you a choice.”</p><p>Perhaps it was this reminder that encouraged Sirius to move. Slowly, as though he was approaching a skittish stray cat, he took a step towards Severus and stretched out his arm. Index and middle fingers caressed the back of Severus’ left hand, which hung limply by his side. The touch appeared so light, Remus wondered if Severus could even feel it.</p><p>“The choice is still there,” Sirius said, his hand braving to cover Severus’ wrist.</p><p>Severus closed his eyes. In the hushed silence that followed, the scene appeared almost dreamlike. Once more, Remus found himself stunned by the sight of them connected; no longer ‘Black’ and ‘Snape’ or ‘mutt’ or ‘Snivellus’, just two men in need of touch and care and acceptance. </p><p>When Sirius ran his thumb along the underside of Severus’ forearm, the latter’s breath hitched. He opened his eyes. The spell was broken. </p><p>“This isn’t... You’re up to something.”</p><p>Sirius jerked his hand back like he’d been scorched. “Of course, you see right through my evil scheme,” he said, soaking each word with bitter sarcasm. “Remus and I planned this all along. We're going to a pub quiz on the weekend and we need to entice a player with potions trivia knowledge to round out the team. We’re just going to use you for your dazzling intellect.”</p><p>“You’re not as amusing as you think you are.” Severus’ voice ran deeper. His body was leaning forward, towards the space where Sirius had been. His right hand covered the left where Sirius had touched him. </p><p>“Right then.” Sirius tilted his head and gave him a measuring look. “Are we done talking?” </p><p>“What do you mean?” </p><p>“I’m going to bed.” Sirius pulled his shirt off. Remus reeled back in surprise. </p><p>“Common courtesy dictates to wait until your guests leave.” A scary edge poked through the even surface of Severus’ voice, but Sirius looked unperturbed.</p><p>“Good thing common courtesy has never been an issue between us. And you’re free to leave.” The veneer of sarcastic defiance slipped off Sirius' face. “Or you could stay.”</p><p>When Severus didn’t move, Sirius slipped his socks off, then the jeans.  A pair of black eyes traced his movements closely, then snapped back up to his face, narrowing in suspicion.</p><p>“I won’t allow tomfoolery.”</p><p>“Good,” Sirius said. “That’s not what this is.”</p><p>He turned to Remus, who’d been so enthralled by their interaction, he almost startled at being drawn into it. Gently, Sirius took hold of the hem of Remus’ sweater.</p><p>“May I?” </p><p>Madness. It was utter madness to follow Sirius’ wild instincts. Then again, Remus would be a fool to try and lean on good sense when the relationship between the three of them defied sense to begin with. All attempts to talk things out had failed over and over. Only on that single night when they had let their bodies do the talking, they’d fit together perfectly without the need for words. </p><p>Remus lifted his arms to help Sirius. After throwing the sweater to the side, Sirius undid the top button of Remus’ jeans. They dropped inelegantly to the ground. Bared and breathless, Remus stepped out.</p><p>Quick to the mark, Severus’ gaze fell to the evidence of Remus’ desire. He raised his eyes to Remus’. ‘Is this for me?’they seemed to ask. Remus nodded, heat tingling on his skin under the scrutiny. Ignoring Sirius’ lopsided smile, Remus gathered what was left of his wits.</p><p>“Stay.”</p><p>Severus unclasped his cloak at one shoulder. With an elegant sweep of his arm, he took it off and started folding it neatly, each movement measured and precise.</p><p>“This is purely about sex,” he said firmly.</p><p>One methodical movement followed another until Severus was stripped down to his underwear. He stepped into their line of touch. Although it was immensely pleasing to see that Severus was just as worked up as himself, there was a tension in his posture as if he was poised for battle. Remus cupped the side of Severus’ neck and ran his thumb along the high cheekbone. Under his palm, Remus could feel the muscles relaxing. </p><p>They stood in a small, static circle. Severus reached out and traced his fingers across the definition of Sirius’ ribs. Sirius caught the hand and pressed it hard against his skin. With his other hand, he took hold of Remus’ arm and pulled both of them on the bed. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Many thanks to Sionon_Klingensang for their wonderful input on characterisation &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Snape’s chest rose and fell evenly with deep breaths. The rhythm was soothing, hypnotising. Sirius tore his eyes away. </p><p>“Is he already asleep? I would have expected him to run off again as soon as the post-coital shame hit him.”</p><p>Remus was frowning at the ceiling, lower lip caught between his teeth. “I doubt he was planning to stay.”</p><p>Sirius swore under his breath. “Should we wake him then?”</p><p>“What would that achieve?” Remus got up sharply and bent over to rummage through the scattered clothes on the floor. “He’ll think that we don’t want him here. Might as well let him get some sleep.”</p><p>Unease settled in Sirius’ stomach. He looked away from Snape’s relaxed form, sprawled peacefully on the mattress. “Did I mess things up again?” he shot out and cringed at how pathetic his voice sounded. “Should I have left this alone?” </p><p>Remus lost his balance, one foot up in the air as he was putting his shorts on. He leaned on the bed and finished clothing himself before he turned to face Sirius again.</p><p>“I don’t know. It was all messed up already, wasn’t it?” </p><p>“Remus, I…” Sirius studied Snape’s face; the prominent, curved nose, thin lips and sharp cheekbones were all too familiar, and yet new somehow. “I think I actually <em> like </em>him.” </p><p>“Yeah,” Remus huffed out a little laugh. He slid back down on the bed and stared pensively at the ceiling. “I know.”</p><p>“Of course,” Sirius muttered. </p><p>“I’m sorry, did you expect me to say I’m surprised? It’s not like you’ve been subtle. Surely it can’t have escaped your notice that I’m not indifferent to him either.” He peeked askance at Sirius. “But I don’t think I like him quite as… intensely as you do,” he finished off quietly. </p><p>Sirius’ first urge was to laugh Remus’ words off, like they were some preposterous exaggeration. This instinct was quickly drowned out by nervous excitement, thrumming within Sirius’ body. He felt lighter, blissfully liberated for a moment but then-</p><p>“Gods, I know this is petty as hell, but I would have hated hearing this from you if our positions were reversed. How can you handle it so well?”</p><p>“I-” Remus’ mouth quivered between a grimace and a smile. “I trust it doesn’t change what we have,” he said firmly. Sirius wished he could knit a blanket out of that soothing, velvet voice and use it to cover himself while Remus was away. He shook the stray thought off.</p><p>“But he’s... you know. I thought <em> I'm </em> mental, but he takes things to another level.” </p><p>“He’s a troubled man.” Remus relaxed on Snape’s other side and flicked his wand to levitate the cover above the bed. “He struggles to trust.”</p><p>“That’s one way to put it.” Sirius pulled the cover-up and over Severus’ bare chest.</p><p>“I hope the two of you will take care of each other while I’m away.” There was a lilt in Remus’ voice that hinted he had little faith in the idea. </p><p>Sirius grinned at him and extinguished the lights.</p><p>***</p><p>
  <em> Severus’ lids were pried open by the first eager rays of morning sun. Sweet comfort and warmth were pleasantly weighing his limbs down. A movement on his left caught his attention. Sirius had turned on his side. Black and silver strands were fanned messily over the pillow and partially concealed the calm, almost childlike expression of sleep on his face. On the other side of him, Remus was also sleeping with the blanket thrown most of the way off. Severus greedily inspected the generous dusting of hair on his chest, the scars, the freckles. A hand slid on top of his thigh underneath the blankets and Severus’ gaze turned to his left again, where Sirius now lay awake, his lids still heavy with sleep. A sly smile tugged at one corner of Sirius’ mouth as the hand moved upwards.  </em>
</p><p>Severus moaned and rutted into the mattress, then froze. He was tumbling into wakefulness with the sobering realization of what his body was doing. It took him a few seconds to recognize where he was. The large bed was empty and cold.</p><p>Need flowed into disappointment and then into revulsion at himself, all blending into each other like cheap watercolours on paper. Swiftly he sat up and slung his legs off the bed and onto the cold floor. Items of his clothing were littered all over the floor. He started collecting them one by one, cursing himself inwardly for the idiotic choice of relaxing, even for a sole second.</p><p>“Morning, Severus.” </p><p>Severus paused at the sound of Black’s voice using his given name. He froze mid donning his socks on. ‘The world hasn’t tilted on its axis’, he thought, then resumed fluidly with the socks.</p><p>“What are you hurrying for?”</p><p>“Why, do you fancy a cuddle?” He didn’t spare Black a glance. </p><p>“And what if I do?” Black shot back fiercely.</p><p>Severus slid into the crumpled sleeves of his white shirt and started buttoning it up. “I didn't take you for the maudlin type.”</p><p>“I've been alone for way too long to give a shit about all that.” Severus didn’t need to look up to know that Black had folded his arms on his chest. “I know what I want and a quick shag isn't it, especially not from you. Godric help me, I actually like having you around. If that’s maudlin - so be it.”</p><p>“You have Lupin.” Something flashy caught Severus’ eye next to the leg of the bed and he bent down to pick up the metal clasp of his cloak. He tried not to question the possibility that Black’s words were true. </p><p>“He left,” Black announced wistfully. “We tried to wake you but you were sleeping so soundly and-” his voice took on a rough edge, “and this isn’t about him anyway.” </p><p>Severus stood up and met Black’s eyes finally. “I am to fill the void that is left by him, is that it?” He decidedly ignored the second statement.</p><p>A crease appeared between Black’s eyebrows. “Don’t be stupid, no one can fill that. You are to occupy a different space.”</p><p>Mirthless laughter spilt out of Severus. “Go find yourself a hobby if you’re bored. Needlework is coming back in fashion, I hear. Don’t waste my time with this nonsense.”</p><p>“It’s nonsense, yeah? Found yourself bonded to anyone else in the last decade? Lived with anyone else? Fucked anyone else?”</p><p>Severus put his boots on and pulled at the shoelaces with harsh movements, punctuating each word with forceful tugs of the strings. </p><p>“We were stuck to each other out of necessity, not choice.” He tested the tightness of the knots one final time and got up. “And just because I haven't had sex with anyone else recently doesn't mean this was anything more than a copulation. There isn't exactly a queue of admirers waiting at my doorstep.” </p><p>“You are such a stubborn berk!” Black buried his hands in his hair and looked up in agitation. “Maybe the bond made it happen in the first place, but we’ve also… we’re more similar than you think. If you didn’t want this it would be one thing, but you’re just too afraid and it’s fucking pathetic!” </p><p>“Are you quite finished?” Severus rummaged through his pocket to fish out a hairband and tied his hair into a tight knot on top of his head.</p><p>“I don't get you, Snape.” </p><p>“Good. I don't expect that, nor do I want it.” He nodded sharply at Black and walked out. </p><p>***</p><p>Remus stepped carefully over the carpet of dried leaves, ducking under the thick branches of the forest. A sound dampening charm bubble was muffling the crunches of his movement. Breeze slithered through the trees. He stopped and sniffed. The incoming air brought a sharp, musky smell of human flesh and sweat. He swiftly changed course to follow the stench. </p><p>After a few minutes the smell was accompanied by the sound of gruff voices. Remus crouched down low into the ivy and crawled for several yards until he could see the source of the voices. Two large fires burnt in the centre of a clearing. About two dozen people were grouped around the light and warmth. He observed them for a few minutes, looking for familiar faces among them. His heart clenched when he recognized a woman with scraggly red hair and missing front teeth. She had been in Hufflepuff, only a few years older than him. Perhaps she’d been bitten after leaving Hogwarts. </p><p>None of the other people in the camp was familiar. Remus braced himself and howled at the skies to announce his presence to the group. </p><p>***</p><p>Sirius boiled the kettle and sat at the kitchen table, waiting in anticipation. The upcoming Order meeting was the only thing keeping him from getting plastered in the middle of the day. He found himself looking forward to it, although all the plans and reports never failed to remind him how useless he was. At least he got to speak to someone other than Kreacher and the old hag's portrait; the house was eerily empty these days and more depressing than ever. It threatened to swallow him whole.</p><p>Molly had promised to visit him, but she'd gotten busy with the children and he never knew what to say to her anyway. Everyone was busy, buzzing around at Dumbledore’s command. Sirius tried and failed to tamper the wave of anger he felt every time he thought of the old headmaster. He knew it was irrational, but that didn’t help him much. Rationality had left the house in that crisp early morning a week ago along with Remus and his calm voice and his soft sweaters.</p><p>They hadn't kissed or hugged at the door, they’d just looked at each other, silently trying to commit each other to memory. He’d watched him walk outside the premises of the house and vanish into thin air.  Then, of course, Snape had been his bastardic self and Sirius had had to watch him leave too.</p><p>As if summoned by his thoughts, Snape appeared at the door. He looked unpleasantly surprised to find Sirius alone in the room, and yet Sirius was happy to see him. He itched to run his hands over Snape’s jaw and neck all the way down to the long, slender legs. </p><p>Instead he laced his fingers on top of the table and said, "It's good to see you," before he could argue himself out of it.</p><p>Snape's face soured even more. </p><p>Sirius sighed. "You know what, nevermind that. Forget I said anything." He summoned two mugs and poured the hot tea into them, then pushed one towards Snape.</p><p>"Thank you," Snape said in a clipped tone and glued his eyes to the mug.</p><p>They didn't say anything until Tonks and Kingsley arrived several minutes later. The rest of the Order joined them not long after. </p><p>***</p><p>Severus got up and unhooked his cloak from the phoenix-ornamented coat rack. He swung it over his shoulder and headed to the door of Dumbledore’s office.</p><p>“There’s something else I’ve wanted to talk to you about,” the headmaster said in a tone of carefully constructed calm.</p><p>Severus tried to squander his irritation. The meeting had already stretched for longer than planned and the look on Dumbledore’s face promised nothing good.</p><p>“Well?” Severus urged him on. “The pile of essays on my desk isn’t getting any smaller, so I’d appreciate it if you spare me the dawdling and get to the point.” </p><p>One of the portraits on the wall tutted disapprovingly.</p><p>“Sirius is struggling with Remus’ departure,” Dumbledore said unirked. “It’s been a month now, has it not?” Without waiting for a reply he continued smoothly. “I hoped time would ease the pain of separati-”</p><p>“You were foolish to think so,” Severus interrupted. “Black can wallow with the best of them. And why should I care anyway?”</p><p>“No reason,” Dumbledore replied and looked at him over the rims of his spectacles with maddening shrewdness. </p><p>“Mind your own business! I might allow you to pull my strings for the sake of this damned war, but my private life is no concern of yours.” </p><p>He stormed out of the office. A couple of second years were strolling down the corridor right as he ran down the stairs but turned quickly back when they saw the scowl on Severus’ face. Good, he thought and dug his fingers hard into the clumped up fabric of his cloak. With large strides, he made his way to the dungeons in no time.</p><p>Of course, Dumbledore couldn't know that Severus had recently visited the house outside of the scheduled Order meetings, only to find Black drowning in alcohol and self-pity. The man was infuriating, clinging to his emotions like a child to a favourite toy. Wallowing, that's exactly what it was. </p><p>They'd fallen readily into a quarrel, and in the spur of the moment Severus had shouted something about Lupin being too good for Black, he couldn't even remember what it was exactly. He hadn't meant it, not really. It had been an attempt to needle Black out of this vexing depressive mood, but instead Black had shouted, "You think I don't know that?" right back and had crumpled into an armchair, burying his face in his hands. </p><p>“None of that matters anymore, I just want him to survive,” he’d muttered, the fight gone from his voice. “Him and Harry, and...” he’d paused uncertainly, “and everyone. We can sort the rest of it out later, I just want it to be over. I'm tired." He’d sounded it too, as drained and lifeless as Severus felt.</p><p>Black had struck an odd sight, all slumped into the furniture, as though he was yet another abandoned ornament, gathering dust and wearing out into fragility and disrepair until an inevitable break. Severus had wanted to gather him into his arms and away from the ugly house. He'd fled like a coward instead, scared of Black and of himself.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ten years later lol</p><p>Sorry for the delay! This chapter has been ready for release for ages but I've been postponing posting it because I have been stuck on editing and adding a few scenes in the last few chapters. We're nearing the end, woop woop! Thank you to anyone who's still sticking around, hope you're all well :)</p><p>Major thanks to Sionon_Klingensang for the amazing insight!</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
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    <p>“Who <em> the fuck </em> are you?!” A short, stocky man strode right into Remus’ face, close enough that the warmth of his putrid breath lingered on Remus’ skin.</p><p>“Henry Meadows,” Remus said tightly. He dug his heels in the forest floor to stop himself from stepping back. </p><p>“What are you doing in our clearing, <em>Henry?” </em>The man grabbed the fabric of Remus’ jacket and pulled him down until they were at the same eye level. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t just wring your neck.”</p><p>“Let’s hear him out, Sean,” the redheaded woman rasped out and pulled Sean back by the shoulder. </p><p>The rest of the group formed a loose circle around him, watching him with varying levels of distrust, their faces half-concealed under caked up filth and matted tangles of hair. </p><p>“What do you want to hear, Dorris? He’s been livin’ with ‘em, he’s a traitor to our kind. He even smells pampered, like a proper gent.” Sean’s voice twisted in an imitation of a posh accent at the final words. He spat on the ground at Remus’ feet and wiped a tattered sleeve over his snarling mouth. Where his teeth were still present, they were brown and rotting, broken. </p><p>“I’m a fugitive,” Remus rushed out. “I’ve been living on the run for the last few years.”  He kept his tone meek and turned his gaze downwards in display of submission. A drop of sweat ran from the hairline at his neck down his spine, leaving a cold trail.</p><p>Throaty laughter ground out of Sean’s mouth, saw over dry wood. “You don’t look half bad for someone’s been livin’ on the run<em> . </em>Who knew the fugitive life could be so cushy?” A few harsh chuckles sounded around the circle. </p><p>Remus had avoided soaps and shampoos since he’d been told about the mission, fully aware that the sharp wolf senses could pick up the scent from yards away. More than that, he’d put on his shabbiest set of clothes for the journey and rolled around on the muddy ground, sweated in them, stained them with blood. In hindsight, his attempts to blend we're plain naive — he had underestimated how pitiful the group would look. The worst thing was the stench, which cut right through all other smells in the forest clearing. It was sour on the surface but cloyingly sweet at its core in a way that reminded Remus of decomposing flesh. </p><p>The state of their bodies hinted at something beyond lack of access.They had stopped trying to appear human. Did they <em> feel </em>human? Did they want to?</p><p>“I’ve been moving into muggle houses when the occupants are away. I was staying in Torpantau when I heard about a pack of wolves in the Brecon Beacons.”</p><p>“You seem to be doing alright for yourself then,” a thin male voice said somewhere behind Remus. “What do you want with us?”</p><p>When Remus turned around he found himself face to face with a young man no more than a couple of years older than Harry; a boy. Remus tapered down a wave of grief that threatened to overwhelm him.</p><p>“I’ve never known any others. I’ve never talked to anyone who knows,” he swallowed heavily. “What it’s like.” As soon as the words came out of Remus’ mouth he realised they were true.</p><p>***</p><p>The days slid by in quick succession, yet each of them stretched out unbearably slow, patterned by a steady routine of meaningless rituals. Every morning, Sirius woke up before daylight after only a couple of hours of fitful sleep. He made a habit of staying in bed for hours, huddled under the blankets. Staring blankly at the ceiling, he wondered how Harry’s coping. Eyes squeezed tightly shut, he prayed to no one that Remus is safe; face buried in the pillows, he exhaled curses about Snape into the fabric</p><p>Every once in a while, Sirius opened the book that Remus had left on the nightstand: <em> The Wind-up Bird Chronicle</em>. The title and summary offered a temptation of enchanting adventures, and Sirius longed to immerse himself in a world where he knew Remus had once walked. He never made it past page nine, his mind inevitably wandering away from the words. </p><p>Once he’d abandoned the idea of reading the book, he’d opened it to one of the dogeared pages where Remus had marked a passage; it described in vivid detail the experience of a captured soldier being skinned alive. Sirius had closed the book with a snap and thrown it in one corner of the room where it still lay on its spine, gaping open like a wound. His new routine included glaring at the crumpled thing and speculating about what had driven Remus to mark that passage.</p><p>Around midmorning, exhaustion sometimes tackled him into a nap, but those brief slumbers often left him more tired than before; a mess of heavy limbs and sticky eyelids. </p><p>When staying in bed finally chafed on Sirius’ nerves, he would make breakfast and take it to the attic to share with Buckbeak. Sometimes he talked to the hippogriff in between bites. Sometimes he brought a wireless and tuned it to a music channel, which inevitably put Buckbeak to sleep.  </p><p>On his way back from the attic, Sirius flitted from room to room like an ancient ghost. His parents’ bedroom he entered only to relish the decay. The thought of what they would say if they could see their mansion now tickled him more than it had any right to. He’d even gleefully contributed to the mess by migrating the doxie nest from the study to the master bedroom. It gave him a perverse pleasure to watch the colony grow and take over the room, destroying the once expensive fabrics and wood. </p><p>In the guest room, Sirius inhabited the spaces that Snape had once occupied: the leather seat at the desk and the concave of the mattress. Occasionally, he went through the cupboard of ingredients and moved things out of the neat order Snape had established. It was childish revenge, Sirius didn’t even attempt to convince himself otherwise. Remus had once said it was normal to revert to childish habits when trapped in your parents’ house, and here he was —  the perfect case study.</p><p>On evenings of Order meetings, Sirius felt a surge of energy and found himself joining the discussions, especially when there was an opportunity to rile Snape up. The latter rarely took the bait. He didn’t avoid eye contact exactly, but he didn’t really look at Sirius either. Nothing in his eyes carried any recognition of the kinship or passion that had at times kindled between them. Some days Sirius wondered whether he’d imagined the whole thing. </p><p>After meetings, the Weasleys often stayed for dinner, occasionally joined by other members of the Order. Molly kept sending overly sympathetic smiles his way, but even that couldn’t bring down his temporarily elevated mood. He laughed at Tonks’ jokes and discussed Quidditch with Bill and Arthur. Dung shared his questionable anecdotes and Minerva cut him down to size. For a moment, the house felt alive. </p><p>Once everyone cleared out, Sirius always headed to the living room. Sprawled on the sofa, he found himself thinking back to the creation of the bond and all the late hours in which they’d practised sharing magic. He found himself missing the side effects, which had once seemed so invasive and nauseating. Even the discomfort from the separation would have been a welcome reminder that he was still connected to someone. His fortified magic was the only trace left of the bond and his ties to Remus and Snape, and he relished the potency of his spells with a newfound appreciation. He luxuriated in the heat of his Incendios or conjured whole flights of swallows to listen to their piercing chirps. </p><p>Sometimes, especially on days when riling Snape had backfired on him, he used his strength to thrash the living room, combusting walls and shattering windows. On a few occasions, he’d lain down in the rubble and waited for morning in lieu of fixing the damage. It made little difference. Going to bed left him tossing and turning between the clammy sheets, never finding a comfortable position. His limbs twitched restlessly under the covers. </p><p>When all else failed, Sirius took his cock in hand and wanked. He rubbed himself raw, thinking of Remus’ large hands, sliding over his body. More often than not, Snape’s deft touches permeated the fantasy. </p><p>The post-orgasm haze allowed him to lose himself in light sleep. When that didn’t happen, he wanked again.</p><p>On nights when sleep denied him for hours, he sat at the window sill and searched for the moon. Three times it thinned out and then fattened again to fullness before he stopped following its progress. </p><p>***</p><p>The air in the classroom was stuffy and humid, weighed down by the steam of over a dozen bubbling cauldrons. The ageing potion seemed to have challenged even his best students, seeing as none had managed to produce the lilac colour and iron smell that indicated the final stages of brewing. </p><p>Severus walked between the desks, pausing at each work station to glance at the potions. </p><p>“It’s nonsense, I tell you,” he heard a whisper from the back of the classroom. “Why would you believe Potter? He’s a nutcase.”</p><p>Severus froze in place, pretending to examine Belby’s disastrous attempt which had congealed at the bottom of the cauldron. </p><p>“It’s not that unlikely. There have been rumours that You-Know-Who is alive for ages now. Black could have helped him come back. He’s obsessed with killing muggles, you know. ”</p><p>Sirius Black, a dark wizard and a muggle murderer. Severus suppressed a snort. If only people knew how much of a bleeding heart Black was. How desperately he fought for what he thought was right, how he defended Lupin and Potter like an earnest puppy or- or how he’d begged Severus to stay, all fragile and wanting. An involuntary shiver ran across Severus’ back.</p><p>“-but it can’t be true, it just can’t. If He’s back then-”</p><p>“Silence!” The whispers halted immediately at Severus’ command. “I don’t want to hear any talking.”</p><p>At the back of the classroom, Carter and Fenwick were staring at their textbooks a bit too rigidly, their faces solemn in attempted concentration. Severus swept to their desk.</p><p>“You would do well to keep your heads down and focus on your N.E.W.T. studies,” he said quietly. “Once you graduate... things will be different. You’ll have to worry about these things then, but not now,” his last words dissolved into a regretful murmur. Was he becoming a sentimental fool? Lupin and Black’s influence, no doubt. </p><p>“Yes, sir,” Fenwick replied without looking up at Severus, his voice tinted in the resentment typical of any child that’s been told to leave it to the adults.</p><p>Severus sighed. </p><p>“Class dismissed. Leave flagons of your potion on my desk, and make sure to label them properly.  I won’t be bothering to decipher any chicken-scratch this time. Belby, clean up this mess!” Severus pointed to the sticky brown goo that had bubbled over the rim of Marcus’ cauldron.</p><p>The boy smiled absentmindedly and started scrubbing the filth with his sleeve. </p><p>Severus pinched the bridge of his nose and flicked his wand to cast a tergeo on the goo. </p><p>The class trickled slowly out of the room, their animated chatter bouncing between the stone walls of the dungeon. Severus slammed the door shut behind the last student and collapsed into his chair.</p><p>Finally some quiet at the end of this slog of a day. A dull ache throbbed right behind Severus’ eyes. Stebbins had managed to blow up yet another potion this morning, Lovegood had been sneak-reading the Quibbler under the desk and Potter had cheeked him twice in the span of half an hour. <em> Twice! </em> The nerve of the boy could be rivalled only by that of Sirius goddamn Black. Fuck it, he deserved a moment of peace.</p><p>“Bonnie!”</p><p>A house-elf apparated in the room and bowed deeply. </p><p>“Master Snape? How can I help?” </p><p>“Can you bring food to my room, please? A glass of pumpkin juice as well, please.”</p><p>“Of course, Master! Bonnie is bringing it straight away!” </p><p>The elf disapparated, leaving Severus alone again. He sat at his desk for a few minutes before finally finding the energy to get up and move to his quarters. </p><p>A fire was already crackling pleasantly in the fireplace, illuminating the room in cosy orange light. He relaxed in the armchair near the fire and let the twinkling of the flames lull him into serenity. </p><p>In the last month, he’d been taking his dinner away from the Great Hall with increasing regularity. The insipid conversations that Umbridge encouraged at the staff table to maintain the status quo grated on his frayed nerves. The laughter of students who were unaware of the sneaking war intensified his headaches. The worried whispers of those who knew what was coming sent his heart into a rhythmless gallop and it took every last shred of self-restraint to not let that show on his face. There was a limit to how long one could spend pretending to think someone else’s thoughts and feel someone else’s feelings. </p><p>A crack rang in the room and Bonnie wobbled towards him with a large silver tray in her hands, carrying a curry dish, naan and a pleasantly condensed glass of pumpkin juice that promised a cool refreshment. </p><p>Severus took the tray carefully from Bonnie and aimed a smile at her, unsure whether he’d managed anything remotely pleasant. The house-elf bowed and left. Severus wished he could have asked her to stay awhile. Noise tired him out, but silence left him feeling empty. </p><p>He left the tray on his little dining table and stared at the dish, hoping it would awake his appetite. It was too much. He probably should have asked Bonnie for something modest; the little elf always brought a mountain of food. Then again, Lupin could probably inhale the content of the tray within a minute. Something squeezed at Severus’ lungs, painful and suffocating. He took a few gulps of the pumpkin juice and tried to even his breathing pattern. </p><p>No news of Lupin had come in the last three months and, well. Severus was certain he would have known if something had happened to him, but that didn’t stop the nightmares. Lupin, sprawled on a forest floor, glassy eyes staring at a moonlit sky. Black on his knees next to him.</p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter was a major struggle lol. I'm open to feedback as always :)</p><p>I decided to split the last two chapters into three so... three more chapters left to go. Hope you're all well&lt;3</p>
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